^^^■S-Sli 


^, 


^}  •■ 


^^u^^-^v,^ 


ABE  MARTIN 


ABE  MARTIN 

From  a  war-time  photograph 


V 


ABE  MARTIN 

0/ 

Brown  County,  Indiana 


KIN  HUBBARD 


With  Illustrations 
by  the  Author 


Indianapolis 
The  Bobbs-Merrill  Company 

Publishers 


Copyright,  1906,  1907,  by 
F.  K.  Hubbard 


Published  March,  1907 


PRESS  OF 

BRAUNWORTH  &.  CO. 

BOOKBINDERS  AND  PRINTERS 

BROOKLYN,  N.  Y. 


To  My  Wife 


THANKS  ARE  DUE  TO  THE 
INDIANAPOLIS  NEWS  FOR 
PERMISSION  TO  REPUBLISH 
MUCH  OF  THE  MATERIAL  IN 
THIS  VOLUME 


INTRODUCTORY 

Persons  who  have  tried  all  known 
patent  medicines  without  relief  will 
do  well  to  try  these  Abe  Martin  dan- 
delion and  sassafras  cocktails  before 
turning  their  faces  to  the  wall.  Abe 
is  now  an  established  institution,  and 
no  supper-table  is  complete  without 
him.  The  clods  are  softer  under  the 
weary  hoof  and  the  plow-handles 
easier  to  manage  after  a  moment's 
communion  with  Abe.  He  is  Plato 
on  a  cracker  barrel;  or  radiant  Soc- 
rates after  Xantippe's  departure  to 
visit  her  own  folks  in  Tecumseh 
Township. 

A  cartoon  and  two  sentences  are 
sufficient  for  Mr.  Hubbard's  pur- 
poses, and  no  one  since  "A.  Ward" 
has  shown  the  same  genius  for 
mirth  -  provoking  epigram.  Abe's 
friends  are  as  classic  as  Abe's  whisk- 
ers, and  those  of  us  who  have  stayed 


all  night  at  the  "grand  hotel'*  of 
some  budding  town  that  hopes  to 
have  a  street  fair  and  a  ten-wagon 
circus  next  year — delectable  and  per- 
manent hope ! — know  that  Constable 
Newt  Plum,  Tipton  Bud,  Niles  Tur- 
ner, Pinky  Kerr,  Tilford  Moots,  the 
Misses  Fawn  Lippincut  and  Tawney 
Apple  are  veritable  figures  snatched 
bodily  from  the  rural  landscape.  Mr. 
Hubbard  is  a  direct  descendant  of 
the  well-known  Hubbard  family 
whose  dog  got  no  bone  from  the  his- 
toric cupboard.  Toothpicks  from 
this  cupboard  are  now  sold  at  two 
dollars  apiece  at  the  Museum  of  Fine 
Arts  in  Chillicothe,  Ohio. 

In  fifteen  years'  acquaintance  I 
have  never  known  Mr.  Hubbard  to 
be  serious  but  once,  and  that  was 
when  he  described  Bellefontaine  as 
a  place  that  the  expectant  pilgrim 
could  always  identify  by  the  two 
sparrows  on  the  south  end  of  the 
water  tank  near  the  Big  Four  sta- 
tion. I  have  passed  that  tank  twenty- 


seven  times  since,  and  have  found 
Mr.  Hubbard's  statement  accurate 
in  every  particular. 

It  is,  therefore,  with  a  clear  con- 
science that  I  give  this  symphony  in 
gingham  my  hearty  endorsement; 
and  if  the  author  of  it  should  be  ar- 
rested for  arson  or  safe-blowing  at 
any  time  when  I  myself  am  at  large, 
I  solemnly  promise  to  be  one  of  ten 
thousand  men  to  put  up  a  dime 
apiece  to  bail  him  out. 

Meredith  Nicholson 

Indianapolis,  November  7,  1906 


The  Father  of  His  Countryman, 
Abe  Martin 


ABE  MARTIN  !— dad-burn  his  old  picture! 
P'tends  he's  a  Brown  county  fixture— 
A  kind  of  comical  mixture 

Of  hoss-sense  and  no  sense  at  all! 
His  mouth,  like  his  pipe,  's  alius  goin', 
And  his  thoughts,  like  his  whiskers,  is  flowin'  — 
And  what  he  don't  know  ain't  worth  knov^rin' — 

From  Genesis  clean  to  baseball! 

The  artist.  Kin  Hubbard,  's  so  keerless 
He  draws  Abe  'most  eyeless  and  earless; 
But  he's  never  yit  pictured  him  cheerless 

Erwith  fun  'at  he  tries  to  conceal — 
Whuther  onto  the  fence  er  clean  over 
A-rootin'  up  ragweed  er  clover, 
Skeert  stiff  at  some  "Rambler"  er  "Rover" 

Er  new-fangled  automobeel. 

It's  a  purty  steep  climate  old  Brown's  in; 
And  the  rains  there  his  ducks  nearly  drowns  in 
The  old  man  hisse'f  wades  his  rounds  in 

As  ca'm  and  serene,  mighty  nigh. 
As  the  old  handsaw  hawg,  er  the  mottled 
Milch-cow,  er  the  old  rooster  wattled 
Like  the  mumps  had  him  'most  so  well  throttled 

That  it  wuz  a  pleasure  to  die. 

But  best  of 'em  all's  the  fool-breaks  'at 
Abe  don't  see  at  all,  and  yit  makes,  'at 
Both  me  and  you  lays  back  and  shakes  at 

His  comic,  miraculous  cracks, 
Which  makes  him — clean  back  of  the  power 
Of  genius  itsse'  fin  its  flower^ 
This  Notable  Man  of  the  Hour, 

Abe  Martin,  the  Joker  on  Facts. 


Very  truly  your  old  Hoosier  friend, 

JAMES  WHITCOMB  RILEY 

lodianapolis,  May  i,  igo6 


ABE  MARTIN'S 
NEIGHBORS 


NEWT  PLUM 


Constable  Newt  Plum  is  a  sample 
of  what  a  cool,  calculating,  upright 
gentleman  of  steady  habits,  a  strong 
right  arm  and  a  disposition  "to  do" 
can  accomplish  in  a  small  commu- 
nity offering  few  advantages.  His 
sterling  integrity  and  respect  for  the 
views  of  others  brought  to  him  the 
highest  office  within  the  gift  of  his 
neighbors — the  important  and  highly 
essential  office  of  constable.  Mr. 
Plum  has  filled  the  office  for  thirty- 
two  years  with  wonderful  credit  to 
himself,  his  married  daughter  and 
his  legion  of  friends.  In  settling  the 
disputes  over  great  national  prob- 
lems that  arise  at  the  blacksmith 
shop  and  the  post-office,  Mr.  Plum 
is  seen  at  his  height — his  clear,  thun- 
derous voice  never  failing  to  bring 
calm  and  good  feeling. 
3 


TAWNEY  APPLE 

Miss  Tawney  Apple,  still  in  school, 
makes  her  home  with  the  family  of 
Elgin  Tyler,  her  father  and  mother 
having  been  killed  by  a  corn  shred- 
der two  years  ago.  She  is  remark- 
ably bright  for  her  years,  nineteen 
summers,  and  can  bound  Indiana 
and  write  verse  of  a  high  order,  as 
witness : 


Hear  the  school-bell,  hear  it  ring. 
I  trip  along  and  laugh  and  sing, 
I  love  to  go  to  school  each  day 
And  when  there's  work  I  never  play. 


TIPTON  BUD 


Tipton  Bud  was  born  at  Seely- 
ville,  Indiana,  in  1850,  and  settled  in 
Brown  County  in  seventy-two.  He 
is  a  gentleman  of  strong  convictions 
and  has  been  a  prominent  mule- 
breeder  for  some  years,  not  caring  to 
mix  in  politics.  His  wife  had  money. 


TILFORD  MOOTS 

Tilford  Moots  is  a  native  of  Cham- 
paign County,  Ohio,  and  comes  from 
a  famous  pioneer  family  that  was 
identified  in  a  large  degree  with  the 
early  history  of  the  Democratic 
party  and  other  hardships.  He  can 
remember  when  Urbana,  Ohio,  was 
a  field  of  yellow  grain.  Mr.  Moots 
has  resided  in  Brown  County  for 
thirty-three  years  and  is  prominent 
in  the  hoop-pole  industry.  He  is 
widely  read  and  greatly  interested  in 
the  conduct  of  the  Panama  Canal 
project,  the  election  of  United  States 
senators  by  direct  vote  of  the  people, 
and  has  written  a  number  of  sting- 
ing articles  on  the  silver  crime  of 
seventy-three. 

6 


TINKY"  KERR 


"Pinky"  Kerr  is  a  slip-horn  player 
of  wonderful  aptness,  and  when  he  is 
not  traveling  with  some  troupe  he 
makes  his  home  with  his  sister,  Mrs. 
Bunker  Hooper.  He  relates  many  in- 
teresting stories  of  his  travels,  of 
famous  managers  who  have  skinned 
him,  of  narrow  hotel  escapes,  long 
walks,  and  of  once  being  poisoned 
on  canned  corn  at  Hurley,  Wiscon- 
sin, while  traveling  with  old  Duprez 
and  Benedict. 


^xvisi- 


CLEM  HARNER 

One  very  rarely  finds  a  musician 
possessing  the  rare  ability,  both  cul- 
tivated and  native,  of  Professor  Clem 
Harner,  stowed  away  in  an  isolated 
hamlet.  Mr.  Harner  has  made  his 
home  in  Brown  County  for  fifteen 
years,  and  practically  nothing  is 
known  of  his  previous  life.  Since  his 
sweet,  silver  notes  on  the  cornet  first 
charmed  the  community  Professor 
Harner  has  been  a  formidable  char- 
acter with  the  people.  Professor 
Harner  has  organized  a  silver  cornet 
band  that  plays  on  the  slightest 
provocation,  and  his  concerts  always 
create  widespread  interest.  He  has 
played  for  two  political  meetings 
where  Bryan  has  spoken,  and  talks 
most  interestingly  of  once  shaking 
hands  with  the  peerless  Nebraskan. 
8 


ALEX  TANSEY 

Professor  Alexander  Tansey  was 
entering  his  second  year  in  the  An- 
gola, Indiana,  high  school  when  he 
quit  and  accepted  a  position  as  a 
teacher  in  Brown  County.  During 
vacation  time  Mr.  Tansey  hangs  pa- 
per and  canvasses  for  a  work  called 
"Gems  of  Verse  and  Prose."  He 
reads  a  little  medicine,  too,  at  night. 


YOUNG  LAFE  BUD 

Young  Lafe  Bud  is  the  only  son  of 
Tipton  Bud,  and  cares  little  or  noth- 
ing for  agriculture.  He  yearns  for 
the  commercial  life  and  solicits  for  a 
Chicago  firm  that  makes  life-sized, 
realistic  crayon  portraits  from  writ- 
ten description  or  old  battered-up 
war-time  photographs.  He  makes 
the  small  towns  and  registers  from 
Philadelphia,  and  is  a  favorite  with 
interurban  conductors  and  dining- 
room  girls.  He  appears  at  his  best 
in  a  crowded  hotel  office  after  the 
business  worries  of  the  day,  when 
his  merry  quips  cause  roars  of  laugh- 
ter among  the  guests. 


10 


NILES  TURNER 

Niles  Thurston  Turner  was  born 
at  Roundhead,  Ohio,  in  1818,  and 
came  West  with  the  Blue  Jacket  In- 
dians to  Indianapolis  in  1840.  Later 
he  took  up  his  residence  with  his 
daughter,  Mrs.  Clement  Mopps,  in 
Brown  County.  After  a  perfectly 
rounded  out  career  Mr.  Turner  de- 
lights to  while  away  the  evening  of 
his  life  telling  the  most  outrageous 
and  preposterous  Indian  stories,  and 
scaring  little  children.  He  also  makes 
ax  handles. 


II 


MISS  FAWN  LIPPINCUT 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  is  the  niece 
of  Tilden  Moon,  and  is  in  her  seven- 
teenth year.  She  commenced  to  at- 
tract attention  in  Brown  County  as 
early  as  1895  by  her  remarkable  tal- 
ent as  a  recitationist.  One  member 
of  the  Moon  family  recently  re- 
marked that  she  had  probably  re- 
cited "Twinkle,  Twinkle,  Little 
Star"  five  hundred  times — always 
with  much  success.  She  comes  of  a 
dramatic  family.  Her  mother  kept  a 
theatrical  boarding-house  at  Crest- 
line, Ohio,  and  her  father  was  a  trap 
drummer  and  traveled  many  years 
with  well-to-do  comedy  troupes.  It 
is  the  desire  of  the  Moons  some  day 
to  develop  her  and  put  her  on  the 
road  to  fame. 

12 


EZ  PASH 

Uncle  Ezra  Braddock  Pash  is  a  di- 
rect descendant  of  a  family  of  Norse 
pirates,  and  was  born  at  Cat  Creek, 
Pennsylvania,  many  years  ago.  He 
has  a  marvelous  memory  and  little 
or  no  regard  for  the  truth.  He  re- 
members distinctly  seeing  General 
Marquis  de  Lafayette  change  cars  at 
Union  City,  Indiana,  for  Greenville, 
Ohio.  Mr.  Pash  has  lived  in  Brown 
County  forty  years  and  has  two  sons, 
one  at  Michigan  City  and  one  at  Jef- 
f  ersonville. 


13 


GERM  WILLIAMS 

Miss  Germ  Williams  is  just  out  of 
her  teens  and  already  has  quite  a 
reputation  as  a  trimmer  and  organ- 
ist. Her  needle  has  won  her  many  a 
prize  at  fairs  of  different  kinds.  She 
expects  to  accept  a  position  with  one 
of  the  largest  millinery  establish- 
ments in  Indianapolis  at  no  distant 
date. 


14 


ABE  MARTIN 


ABE     MARTIN 


By  ginger,  next  t'  bein'  ez  good  ez 
yer  wife's  folks  th'  hardest  thing  in 
th'  world  t'  do  is  pick  up  a  three-cent 
piece  with  a  boxin'  glove  on.  Dave 
Angel  asked  old  uncle  Ez  Pash  if  he 
ever  seen  any  o'  th'  Pilgrim  fathers, 
an'  Uncle  Ez  said :  "Nup,  I  wuz  livin* 
near  Union  City  in  those  days." 

Our  school  teacher,  Mister  Alex 
Tansey,  says  he  wishes  winter  would 
"take  his  grippe  an'  leave."  Alex  is 
purty  comic  fer  a  teacher.  Th'  mag- 
azines is  full  o'  Pope  Toledo  these 
days.  By  ginger,  he's  a  new  one  on 
me. 

Th'  feller  thet  got  hez  coat  tails 
shot  off  at  Loogootee  last  night  is 
able  t'  be  "roundabout."  It  must  be 
awful  t'  hev  t'  live  in  a  city  durin' 
one  o'  them  campaigns  fer  a  "busi- 
ness administration." 


17 


ABE  MARTIN 

Uncle  Ez  Pash  says  his  new  hired 
man  is  so  dinggasted  lazy  thet  he 
hed  t'  sharpen  all  th'  stumps  on  th* 
farm  t'  keep  him  from  settin'  down. 
Your  husband  wunt  kiss  th'  cook  if 
you  do  your  own  cookin'. 

This  is  th'  open  season  fer  hunt- 
ers, barbed-wire  fences  an'  funerals. 
Newt  Plum's  married  dorter  hez 
gone  blind  lookin'  fer  soap  sales  in 
th'  newspapers. 

Congressman  Landis  is  a-makin' 
his  canvass  up  in  th'  "felt  boot  dis- 
trict" this  week.  Landlord  Newt 
Slicer  o'  Pickreltown,  Ohio,  knows 
ez  much  'bout  th'  show  business  ez 
a  reg'lar  perfessional.  He  hez  t' 
travel  two  er  three  days  with  ever' 
troupe  thet  stops  et  his  hut-tel. 

Tilford  Moots  hez  a  niece  thet 
poses  in  a'  art  school  in  New  York 
an'  jist  makes  a  bare  livin'.  A  feller 
thet  orders  scrambled  eggs  would 
take  chances  on  anything. 


x8 


ABE  MARTIN 

Doctor  Hiram  Tate  is  a-goin*  t*  be 
married  in  September.  Hiram  says 
thet  ther'  won't  be  no  invitations,  so 
I  guess  he's  t'  furnish  his  own  home. 
Ther's  alius  somethin'  brewin'  in 
Milwaukee  t'  stagger  humanity. 

Talk  'bout  humidity,  by  ginger, 
Newt  Plum  says  they  served  butter 
in  a  dipper  over  t'  th'  New  Palace 
Hut-tel  t'day.  Some  folks  hev  hired 
girls  round  th'  house  jist  t'  git  th' 
news. 

Elgin  Tyler  is  th*  oddest  feller. 
He'll  take  a  drink  o'  liquor  an'  meb- 
by  he  won't  take  another  fer  ten  er 
fifteen  minutes.  Th'  burlesque  the- 
aters er  open  up  et  Indynoplus  fer 
th'  benefit  o'  those  thet  didn't  git  t' 
go  t'  AtUntic  City. 

I  heerd  there  wuz  goin'  ter  be  a 
new  magazine  printed  called  th' 
"Sky  Scraper."  Twenty-two  stories. 
I'll  be  gosh  dinged  ef  I  ever  heard  o* 
a  feller  gittin'  a  devorce  from  a 
woman  thet  wuz  a  good  cook. 


19 


ABE  MARTIN 

This  is  the  sort  o'  weather  I  alius 
think  o'  th'  campaign  orator  what 
talks  'bout  th'  glorious  independent 
life  o'  th'  farmer.  Alex  Tansey 
thinks  somethin'  o'  goin'  with  a 
troupe.  His  uncle  wuz  quite  a  actor 
an'  tore  paper  fer  th'  snow  scene  in 
th'  "Two  Orphans"  when  it  wuz 
played  in  th'  old  Metropolitan  livery 
stable  et  Urbana,  Ohio,  back  in  fifty- 
one. 


20 


ABE  MARTIN 

Th'  grove  wuz  man's  fust  temple, 
but  thet  wuz  long  before  we  got  ont' 
to  issuin'  bonds.  A  woman  excels  et 
blamed  nigh  ever'thing  but  ironin' 
th'  neckband  o'  a  shirt. 

Dave  Angel's  boy  is  gittin'  'bout 
big  enough  t'  run  off.  He'll  probably 
be  a  motorman  er  go  with  th'  reg'lar 
army.  I  dun't  look  fer  much  good  t' 
come  o'  municipal  ownership  in  this 
country  ez  long  ez  we  hev  Dimmy- 
crats  an'  Republicans. 

Ther's  a'  unusually  big  crop  o' 
girls  with  bulging  foreheads  an'  re- 
treatin'  chins  wearin'  turbans  this 
fall.  Th'  streets  er  so  wide  et  Craw- 
fordsville  th'  neighbors  hev  t'  use 
opery  glasses  t'  keep  a  line  on  one 
'nother. 

Newt  Plum  says  he  seen  a  two 
hundred  dollar  bill  yisterday,  an'  it 
wuz  ez  big  ez  th'  South  Bend  Trib- 
une. I  heerd  some  blamed  dude  ask 
fer  "country-fied"  pertaters  et  a  res- 
turint  in  Columbus  Saturday. 


23 


ABE  MARTIN 

Talk  'bout  devotion.  A  woman  up 
et  Columbia  City  hed  a  valuable 
horse  die  fer  her.  Ez  Pash  an'  Niles 
Turner  hev  made  arrangements  t* 
receive  Bryan's  New  York  speech  by 
rounds  et  th'  blacksmith  shop  t' 
night. 

I  take  notice  thet  these  fellers  thet 
hev  successfully  worked  out  th' 
problem  o'  ariel  navigation  alius  ride 
on  th'  cars  when  they  wunt  t'  go 
anywheres.  Our  school  teacher,  Mr. 
Alex  Tansey,  denounces  Roosyfel's 
pneumatic  spellin'  in  unmistakable 
terms. 

Some  blamed  troupe  is  a-playin* 
"Repertoire"  ag'in  over  et  Colum- 
bus. I'd  think  thet  they'd  git  tired 
o'  thet  play  some  time  er  'nother. 
Anna  Laurie  must  a  bin  a  wonderful 
woman.  Th'  poet  says  thet  her  voice 
wuz  "low  an'  sweet." 

Lots  o'  seemin'ly  intelligent  folks 
keep  on  sayin'  "butatoes"  fer  per- 
taters.  I  kin  remember  when  they 
used  t'  line  pantaloons. 

24 


ABE  MARTIN 

A  good,  shiny  book-agent  kin  sniff 
"a  dollar  per"  hut-tel  farther  than 
any  man  thet  travels.  Th'  feller  thet 
dun't  read  th'  daily  newspapers  hez 
a  hard  time  lookin'  wise  while  his 
friends  discuss  th'  affairs  o'  th'  coun- 
try. 

Ther'  seems  t'  be  some  consider- 
able sediment  ag'in  Gov'nor  Hanly's 
two-cent  fare  policy.  Folks  thet 
patternize  th'  interurban  lines  er 
claimin'  thet  they  won't  be  able  t' 
save  ez  much.  Jim  Collins  says  thet 
th'  "round  robin"  fust  started  et  Cir- 
cleville,  Ohio. 

One  good  thing  'bout  bein'  a  Dim- 
mycrat  in  Indianny  is  thet  you  dun't 
hev  t'  mortgage  your  home  t'  git  a 
perlitical  nomination.  A  story  wuz 
in  circulation  here  Monday  thet  a 
stranger,  claimin'  t'  be  a  well-t'-do 
sewin'  machine  agent  o'  Mansfield, 
Ohio,  found  a  good  canteloupe  up  et 
Martinsville. 


25 


ABE  MARTIN 

Th'  feller  thet  looks  funny  with 
his  hat  off  is  alius  th'  busiest  individ- 
ual et  a  convention  er  meetin'  o'  any 
sort.  Al  Clemens  an'  his  wife  hev 
split  up.  His  wife  took  all  th'  furni- 
ture an'  th'  five  children  an'  Al  took 
th'  blame. 

Poor  ole  Turpin  Pusey  hez  hed  a 
peck  o'  trouble.  His  wife  wuz  struck 
by  lightnin'  while  she  wuz  plowin', 
three  sons  takin'  th'  gold  cure  an'  a 
dorter  thet  recites.  I  dun't  know 
which  is  th'  biggest  rube — th'  coun- 
tryman walkin'  about  with  a  con- 
ductor's check  in  his  hat  er  th'  tad- 
pole with  his  suit-case  covered  with 
labels. 


26 


ABE  MARTIN 

A  farmer  never  seems  t'  be  satis- 
fied. Jist  ez  soon  ez  he  harvests  his 
wheat  he  commences  t'  plow  fer 
more.  Even  handle-bars  are  higher 
these  days  along  with  ever'thing 
else. 

No  matter  what  it  is — a  reception, 
a  hat,  a  funeral  er  a  glass  o'  sody — a 
girl  alius  calls  it  "swell."  We'd  hev 
longer  summers  if  th'  blamed  Park 
The-ater  up  et  Indynoplus  didn't 
open  th'  season  so  early. 

I'll  bet  thet  th'  editors  thet  hev 
been  flyin'  over  th'  country  fer  years 
on  railroad  passes  wish  they'd  paid 
more  attention  t'  th'  scenery  while 
they  hed  a  chance.  Newt  Plum's  son 
Decatur  is  goin'  t'  th'  Rose  Pyro- 
technic Instytute  et  Terry  Hut.  He's 
learnin'  t'  make  sky  rockets. 

I  guess  th'  pool-rooms  hev  opened 
up  ag'in  up  et  Indynoplus,  fer  Pinky 
Kerr  seen  a  sign  on  a  buildin'  sayin' 
"Aristoka  Flat — i  to  4."  By  ginger, 
it's  fer  better  t'  give  than  receive — a 
Christmus  necktie. 

27 


ABE  MARTIN 

Ole  Ez  Pash  says  thet  he  guesses 
th'  reason  Oklahoma  editors  look  so 
happy  an'  prosperous  is  becuz  they 
raise  two  crops  o'  turnips  a  year  out 
there. 

Strawberry  boxes  er  so  blamed  lit- 
tle this  year  thet  they  bruise  th'  ber- 
ries. Tipton  Bud  will  be  seventy- 
three  years  old  t'morrow.  He  says 
he'd  be  seventy-five,  but  he  wuz  in 
Urbana,  Ohio,  two  years. 

Tipton  Bud  says  thet  if  ever'- 
buddy  thet  listened  t'  Bryan  up  et 
Plymouth  Wednesday  would  vote 
fer  him  he  could  be  elected  without 
New  York  an'  all  th'  States  o'  th' 
Middle  West.  Standin'  on  ther  dig- 
nity makes  some  people  look  still 
shorter. 

Tilford  Moots'  wife  is  a  smart  crit- 
ter. She  punched  th'  bottom  o'  th' 
coffee-pot  full  o'  holes  so  it  wouldn't 
rust.  Constable  Newt  Plum's  son- 
in-law  is  goin'  t'  move  out  o'  a  flat 
int'  a  ten-room  house  so  he'll  hev 
room  t'  take  a  Sunday  paper. 

28 


ABE  MARTIN 

Tipton  Bud's  wife  hez  been  kickin' 
all  her  life  fer  a  new  summer  kitch- 
en, an'  Tip  told  her  yisterday  thet 
he'd  build  her  one  when  Bryan  got 
elected,  an'  she  said :  "You'll  not  git 
out  o'  buildin'  it  thet  way."  These 
people  thet  go  t'  th'  circus  "jist  t' 
take  th'  children"  never  wunt  t'  pay 
fer  them  when  they  git  up  t'  th'  door. 

Th'  peaches  on  top  o'  th'  baskets 
er  unusually  large  an'  fine  this  sea- 
son. By  ginger,  you  kin  drive  a  man 
t'  drink,  but  you  can't  make  him  take 
seltzer. 

There's  many  a  man  gits  int' 
trouble  thet's  alius  been  good  t'  his 
wife.  A  night  school  fer  sign-paint- 
ers would  be  a  crackin'  good  thing. 

Tiry  Buff  dun't  take  hez  wife  no- 
where now  since  they're  married. 
He  says  fellers  dun't  run  after  street- 
cars after  they've  caught  'em.  Doc- 
tor Elliott  Nod,  a'  imminent  writer 
o*  Bucyrus,  Ohio,  sez  we're  ridin' 
faster'n  we  live. 


29 


ABE  MARTIN 

Ther's  gittin*  t'  be  too  many 
blamed  schemes  in  this  country  t* 
"make  people  save  thet  wouldn't 
otherwise  save"  —  an'  lose  thet 
wouldn't  otherwise  lose.  Th'  society 
column  in  a  newspaper  is  a  good  di- 
rectory fer  a  porch  climber. 


30 


ABE  MARTIN 

I  claim  thet  ther'  hain't  no  good 
excuse  fer  marryin'  a  penniless,  ugly 
girl — 'specially  if  yer  goin'  t'  be 
home  much.  You  kin  generally  tell  a 
feller  thet  likes  a  "wide  open"  town 
by  his  stomach  an'  watch  chain. 

I  guess  pickin'  out  wall-paper  hez 
caused  'bout  ez  many  tragedies  ez 
liquor.  Dave  Angel  says  thet  it  gits 
a  hundred  in  th'  shade  down  here  in 
th'  summer  time.  By  ginger,  I  dun't 
hev  t'  stay  in  th'  shade  all  th'  time. 

I  seen  a  Chineeman  in  Columbus 
t'other  day  with  human  bein'  clothes 
on.  No  matter  how  hard  up  er  how 
homely  th'  average  feller  is,  he'll  al- 
ius subscribe  liberally  t'  any  scheme 
t'  git  his  picture  in  a  volume  o' 
"Prominent  Men  o'  Indianny." 

When  a  feller  comes  around  you 
complainin'  thet  th'  banks  an'  pust- 
offis  er  closed,  put  your  hands  in 
your  pockets.  The  Republican  party 
is  goin'  t'  give  us  a  purty  good  ter- 
mater  crop  after  all. 


33 


ABE  MARTIN 

Our  pust-offis  stays  open  till  8  p. 
m.  now  since  Miss  Germ  Williams  is 
takin'  "Journalism"  by  mail.  Ther's 
a  great  display  o'  buggies  an'  sau- 
sage et  th'  State  Fair. 

I  seen  a  big  feller  with  a  whisky 
nose  drinkin'  sody  water  with  a 
couple  o'  girls  over  et  Morgantown 
yisterday.  I  dun't  know  which  one 
he  wuz  tryin'  t'  please,  but  he 
seemed  t'  be  makin'  an  awful  sacri- 
fice. Ole  Niles  Turner  alius  borrows 
a  newspaper  "jist  t'  read." 

It  must  be  awful  lonesome  in  Peru 
these  long  winter  evenin's  unless 
you  like  t'  go  t'  church  er  shake  dice. 
Waldo  Blayney,  who  hurt  hisself 
makin'  a  high  dive  in  Bean  Blossom 
crick  this  summer,  hed  his  skull  ter- 
rapined  yisterday. 

Young  Lafe  Bud  says  he'd  jist  ez 
leave  tek  chances  on  splittin'  his 
tongue  with  a  knife  ez  punchin'  his 
eye  out  with  a  fork.  No  feller  ever 
ort  t'  git  too  great  t'  register  from 
th'  little  town  where  he  lives. 

34 


ABE  MARTIN 

Th'  feller  what's  alius  spoken  of 
ez  bein'  "fond  o'  horses"  ez  th'  very 
one  thet  drives  ther  tails  off.  This  is 
fine  corn  weather,  an'  ez  old  Milt 
Whitehill  would  say,  "corn  makes 
whisky,  an'  whisky  makes  Dimmy- 
crats,  an'  Dimmycrats  makes  parry- 
mount  issues." 

By  ginger,  I  never  knowed  a  good 
fisherman  thet  'mounted  t'  anything. 
Dave  Angel  says  Bill  Bryan  would 
rather  be  wrong  than  President. 

Pinky  Kerr  wuz  tellin'  Ez  Pash 
thet  John  R.  Walsh  started  out  years 
ago  a  poor  boy,  an'  Uncle  Ez  said: 
"Who'n  th'  dickens  ever  heerd  o' 
anybuddy  ez  old  ez  Walsh  thet  start- 
ed out  rich?"  Kris  Kringle  is  'bout 
th'  only  feller  in  this  country  thet 
kin  clean  up  on  a  "one-night  stand." 

Th'  most  exactin'  an'  critical  lover 
in  th'  world  is  th'  ugly  feller.  He  ex- 
pects his  girl  t'  be  endowed  with  all 
th'  grace  an'  loveliness  known  t'  her 
sex.  When  a  feller  can't  spell  he 
alius  puts  "dictated"  on  his  letters. 

35 


ABE 


MARTIN 


Some  o'  th'  'rithmetic  problems 
thet  spoiled  your  childhood  bother 
yer  a  durned  sight  more  after  you  er 
married  an'  try  t'  git  by  on  eight  or 
nine  dollars  a  week.  By  ginger,  it's 
no  wonder  we're  hevin'  so  many 
sueycides  with  th'  cost  o'  livin'  up 
where  it  is. 


A  barber  never  begins  t'  sharpen 
his  razor  er  tighten  his  shears  till 
somebuddy  gits  in  his  chair  thet 
wunts  t'  be  shaved  in  a  hurry.  Ole 
Ez  Pash,  who  spent  his  early  man- 
hood with  th'  Mac-o-chee  Injuns  et 
Pickreltown,  Ohio,  says  thet  nothin' 
so  completely  infuriates  a  Injun 
chief  ez  t'  hit  him  in  th'  eye  with  a 
fried  egg. 


ABE  MARTIN 

Th*  old-fashioned  "dollar  excur- 
sionist" thet  used  t'  pull  his  boots  off 
an'  let  his  feet  dangle  over  th'  arm  o' 
th'  seat  seems  t'  hev  dropped  out  al- 
together. Ez  long  ez  th'  "findings" 
fer  a  woman's  dress  cost  ten  times  ez 
much  ez  th'  dress,  times  will  alius 
be  a  little  skimpish  in  this  country. 

Pinky  Kerr  is  th'  only  feller  I  ever 
seen  thet  played  th'  accordion  with- 
out th'  tin-cup  attachment.  Th'  fel- 
ler thet's  goin'  t'  lecture  here  t'night 
on  "Germs  o'  Verse"  asked  Newt 
Plum  'bout  th'  acoustic  properties  o' 
th'  hall,  an'  Newt  said :  "All  we  do 
is  t'  furnish  th'  lamps." 

Th'  depression  o'  business  an'  felt 
boots  make  it  so  quiet  up  et  Mill 
Grove,  Indianny,  thet  you  can  hear 
th'  rustle  o'  a  pair  o'  overalls  two 
miles  away.  Quite  a  number  o'  the 
boys  went  over  t'  Columbus  last 
night  t'  see  "A  Life's  Mistake." 
Pinky  Kerr  said  thet  th'  plot  wuz  th' 
thickest  he  ever  seen. 


37 


ABE  MARTIN 

Some  fellers  belong  t*  s'  many 
blamed  secret  orders  thet  they  hev 
t'  die  before  ther  wives  kin  git  a  new 
dress.  Farming  looks  nice — from  a 
car  window. 

Newt  Plum's  son-in-law  lives  in 
one  o'  them  Indynoplus  flats,  an'  he 
says  thet  his  settin'-room  is  so 
blamed  little  thet  ever'  time  he 
crosses  his  legs  he  kicks  his  wife. 
Elcine  Bud's  husband  hez  gone  back 
t'  his  parents. 

You  git  a  hack  with  ever'  shave 
down  et  Lon  Meadow's  shop.  Ther's 
some  prospects  o'  a  new  opery  hall 
up  et  Indynoplus,  with  all  th'  seats 
on  th'  end  o'  th'  sixth  row. 

Ole  Ez  Pash  says  it  must  'a'  been 
hard  pickin'  t'  run  a  newspaper  in  th' 
stone  age.  Jist  think  o'  writin'  four 
perch  o'  society  news  with  a  chisel 
an'  deliverin'  th'  papers  t'  th'  sub- 
scribers in  a  hod.  You  can't  tell 
much  'bout  a  girl  jist  cause  she  cries 
et  "East  Lynne." 

38 


ABE  MARTIN 

By  ginger,  I'll  never  fergit  th'  time 
I  carried  th'  bass  drum  through  two 
foot  o'  snow  fer  ole  Dupree  an'  Ben- 
nydick's  minstrel  troupe.  Ever'  time 
th'  feller  soaked  th'  drum  it  knocked 
my  hat  off.  Ole  Niles  Turner  says 
thet  he  dun't  keer  whether  a  feller 
hez  been  married  ten,  twenty  or  fifty 
years,  some  new  phase  o'  his  wife's 
character  will  pop  out  every  day. 

Did  you  ever  go  int'  one  o'  them 
tonslitis  parlors  an'  hev  a  bald-head- 
ed barber  talk  fer  an  hour  t'  git  you 
t'  try  some  hair  restorer?  A  gal  will 
stand  in  front  o'  th'  lookin'  glass  an' 
powder  her  nose  fer  twenty  minutes 
an'  then  fly  int'  a  tantrum  if  any- 
buddy  tells  her  it  shows. 

Th'  New  Plush  Ultra  Comedy 
Company  played  "Fogs  Ferry"  here 
last  night,  an'  No.  28  got  th'  barrel 
o'  flour.  Anybuddy  kin  tell  Aunt 
Maria  Pash  hez  seen  better  days  by 
th'  evidences  o'  refinement  an'  gen- 
tle blood  'bout  her  home  premises. 
She  hez  a  geranium  in  a  tomato  can. 

39 


ABE  MARTIN 

Mr.  Alex  Tansey  is  puttin'  th'  fin- 
ishin'  touches  on  his  new  meller- 
drammer,  "The  Slaves  o'  Catarrh." 
Pinky  Kerr  hez  bought  a  pair  o'  two- 
dollar  patent  leathers  fer  Easter,  an* 
he  hed  t'  break  a  couple  o'  raw  eggs 
in  'em  before  he  could  git  'em  on. 


AO 


ABE  MARTIN 

After  a  feller  gits  through  with  a 
marriage  license  clerk  an'  his  appler- 
cation  fer  life  insurance,  he's  told 
*bout  all  he  knowed  an'  more  too. 
'Cause  ther'  hain't  no  place  like 
home  is  th'  reason  so  many  girls 
work  in  th'  stores  an'  offices. 

Some  o'  those  blamed  Indynoplus 
grocery  keepers  ort  t'  go  t'  a  ball 
game  an'  learn  somethin'  'bout  quick 
delivery.  I  guess  it'll  be  purty  hard 
t'  revive  wrestlin'  an'  croquet  in  this 
country. 

A  feller  down  et  Seymour  hez  got 
a  half-dollar  o'  th'  date  o'  1849.  By 
ginger,  he  must  be  a  tight  wad.  Th' 
saddest,  most  pathetic  o'  all  sorry 
spectacles  is  a  red  nose  an'  a  dyed 
mustache. 

Some  folks  seem  t'  think  thet  th' 
only  time  they  ort  t'  look  pleasant  is 
when  ther  in  a  photergraf  gallery. 
Pinky  Kerr  says  thet  th'  difference 
between  a  trained  seal  an'  a  regular 
actor  is  thet  yer  hev  t'  feed  th'  seal. 

43 


ABE  MARTIN 

I'll  be  blamed  if  it  dun't  seem  like 
th*  fellers  thet  er  so  crazy  'bout 
wearin'  unyforms  never  hev  any 
shoulders.  I  asked  Uncle  Ez  Pash 
how  he  accounted  for  his  longevity, 
an'  he  says,  "I  never  shaved,  an'  jist 
let  'em  grow." 

Seems  like  folks  what  take  little 
trips  once  a  year  spend  all  ther  time 
an'  money  on  souvenir  pustal  cards. 
My  wife's  niece  et  Cumberland  says 
thet  th'  corn  is  so  high  ther'  thet  th' 
sun  hez  t'  back  in  on  th'  old  National 
road. 

Ez  Pash  wuz  lookin'  in  a  cistern 
over  et  Nashville  Saturday  an'  fell 
in  with  some  folks  from  Blooming- 
ton.  A  country  preacher  alius  dresses 
like  a  corpse. 

Mr.  Alex  Tansey  hez  got  a  graffy- 
phun.  It  sounds  like  th'  raspin'  o'  a 
new  pair  o'  overalls.  Tilden  Moon  is 
travelin'  with  a  troupe  ez  juggler. 
He  comes  by  it  honestly.  His  father 
used  t'  eat  peas  with  a  knife. 


44 


ABE  MARTIN 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  thet  th' 
Indianny  University  Aluminum  is 
th'  next  thing  on  th'  tapestry  fer  her. 
Tailors  dun't  care  much  fer  prom- 
isin'  young  men. 

Th'  Decluration  o'  Independence, 
th*  bumin'  o'  th'  fire  department  et 
St.  Mary's,  Ohio,  th'  Emancerpation 
Proclermation  an'  th'  long  sleeve 
glove  famine  o'  1906,  will  always  be 
memorable  epicures  in  American 
history. 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  recited  in 
Melodeon  Hall  last  night  fer  the 
benefit  o'  Clem  Harner's  band,  an' 
notwithstanding  th'  infrequency  o' 
th'  weather  ther  wuz  many  people  in 
th'  audience  who  were  not  there. 

Miss  Angie  Moots,  Tilford  Moots' 
oldest  dorter,  is  t'  be  married  th'  fust 
o'  May,  an'  ther  gittin'  ready  t'  send 
out  'bout  three  hundred  and  fifty 
duns.  You  kin  git  a  purty  fair  idear 
o'  a  woman's  dispersition  from  th' 
way  she  scrapes  out  a  pan. 


45 


A    B^  E 


MARTIN 


Owin'  t'  th'  "long  glove  famine" 
quite  a  number  o'  our  girls'  elbows 
er  gittin'  t'  look  like  goat's  knees. 
There's  a  good  deal  o'  speculation 
down  here  ez  t'  whether  Taft  is  a 
goin'  t'  run  er  set  down. 

Some  feller  wuz  down  here  yister- 
day  tryin'  t'  start  some  sort  o'  a  new 
insurance  lodge.  When  you  die  you 
git  a  brass  band  o'  eight  pieces,  two 
wreaths,  a  concrete  tombstone  an' 
fifty  dollars,  an'  when  you're  sick  th' 
lodge  members  shake  th'  box  t'  see 
who  nurses  you.  Th'  Uncle  Tom's 
Cabin  troupe  thet  wuz  here  Monday 
wuz  th'  best  dog  an'  pony  show  thet 
hez  been  'long  this  way  in  years. 


46 


ABE  MARTIN 

Women  er  all  right  on  bargains 
till  it  comes  t*  pickin'  out  a  husband. 
Ther'  er  three  kind  o'  Christmusses 
— white,  green  an'  blue. 

Th'  feller  thet's  alius  tellin'  what 
a  wonderful  woman  his  wife  is  gen- 
erally hez  t'  smoke  in  th'  kitchen. 
Nobuddy  ever  elopes  but  once. 

I  often  wonder  what  kind  o'  look- 
in'  people  pick  out  th'  pictures  thet 
hang  in  hut-tel  rooms.  Country  edi- 
tors go  a  merry  "clip." 

Niles  Turner  hez  sent  t'  Warshin'- 
ton  fer  a  patent  fer  his  new  shovel 
thet  he's  gittin'  up.  It  hez  a  clock  in 
th'  handle.  Folks  what  eat  liver 
"make  no  bones"  'bout  it. 

Th'  way  t'  stop  wars  between 
nations  is  t'  stop  lendin'  'em  money. 
I  know  a  feller  et  Mulberry  Junction 
what  quit  drinkin'  thet  way.  Ther's 
some  talk  'mongst  th'  women  folks 
down  here  o'  tryin'  t'  git  a  tainted 
library. 


47 


ABE  MARTIN 

Ez  fast  ez  th'  world  gits  better 
some  one  designs  a  dress  t'  spoil  it. 
Nobuddy  kin  talk  ez  hard  ag'in  ex- 
cessive rates  ez  th'  feller  thet  spends 
fifteen  cents  a  minute  fer  his  enthu- 
siam. 

Ther's  lots  o*  simple  girls  in  smart 
gowns.  I  understand  many  non- 
union laborers  er  leavin'  th'  cities  an' 
goin'  on  farms  where  they  kin  work 
twice  ez  many  hours  fer  half  th' 
money. 

Miss  Tawney  Apple  started  out  t' 
a  kitchen  shower  this  afternoon  with 
an  umbrella.  All  this  talk  'bout  a 
home  fer  chorus  girls  is  blamed  non- 
sense. They  stay  on  th'  stage  till 
ther  a  hundred  years  ole. 

Th'  funny  thing  about  a  new  trim- 
mer comin'  t'  town  is  thet  th'  com- 
motion is  alius  'mongst  th'  boys. 
When  a  feller  thet  hez  hed  th'  ad- 
vantages o'  travel  can't  tell  you 
about  anything  but  th'  "best  hut- 
tels,"  it  hain't  done  him  much  good. 

48 


Abe       martin 

Owin'  t'  th'  increased  cost  o'  livin' 
they've  changed  th'  rates  down  et  th' 
tavern — a  quarter  et  th'  plain  table 
an'  thirty-five  cents  et  th'  table  with 
th'  jelly  roll  on.  Some  drummer 
from  Indynoplus  wuz  here  yisterday, 
an'  he  says  thet  they're  goin'  t' 
change  th'  name  o'  Illinois  Street  t' 
Clairvoyant  Avenue. 

Hiram  Turner  wuz  round  Friday 
showin'  th'  boys  a'  artificial  fifty- 
cent  piece  thet  he  got  ketched  on.  It 
looks  like  th'  ortomobile  wuz  goin' 
t'  do  'way  with  hoss  sense  ez  well  ez 
th'  hoss. 

Th'  cost  o'  livin'  hain't  so  much  et 
fifty  cents  a  bottle  if  you  jist  foller 
th'  directions.  Many  a  feller  gits 
credit  fer  bein'  eccentric  when  he  ort 
t'  be  in  a  padded  cell. 

There's  one  good  thing  'bout  them 
blamed  four-room  flats,  an'  thet  is 
your  relatives  can't  "remain  over." 
Some  girls  er  bom  with  big  feet  an' 
others  wear  white  shoes. 


49 


ABE  MARTIN 

Elmer  Pate,  o'  Michigan  City,  is 
here,  an'  hez  orgernized  a  dancin' 
class  an'  teaches  th'  lock  step.  Th' 
Angola  capitalists  who  were  t'  per- 
duce  Mr.  Alex  Tansey's  drammer, 
"Th'  Butcher's  Bride,"  hev  aban- 
doned th'  project,  an'  Mr.  Tansey  is 
puttin'  all  his  energy  int'  a  new 
problem  play  called  "Th'  Runaway 
Hearse." 


50 


""w;fW'""' 


ABE  MARTIN 

A  prize-fighter  kin  "know  th' 
ropes"  an'  still  git  his  head  knocked 
off.  Marion  Wilder  went  up  t'  Indy- 
noplus  Sunday  an'  got  his  tongue 
fastened  in  a  beer  bottle  on  Pearl 
Street. 

Th'  must  exactin'  critic  thet  goes 
t'  th'  the-ater  is  th'  feller  thet  gits  in 
on  a  billboard  ticket  an'  chews  ter- 
baccer  on  th'  lower  floor.  Th'  child 
thet's  preached  t'  all  week  long  an' 
then  sent  t'  Sunday-school  with  a 
punched  nickle  soon  gits  wise. 

Tipton  Bud  says  thet  if  ther's  one 
thing  more'n  another  thet  ort  t'  cause 
a  public  official  t'  do  his  duty  it's  th' 
inducements  offered  by  th'  lecture 
platform.  Yaller  journalism  is  bad 
enough,  but  a  yaller  cucumber  is  th' 
limit. 

Aunt  Tilda  Myers*8  funeral  wuz 
pustponed  two  times  last  week  on 
account  o'  interferin'  with  card 
clubs.  Who  ever  seen  a  "large  an' 
intelligent"  audience  ? 


53 


ABE  MARTIN 

Tilford  Moots'  boy,  Elmer,  threw 
a  fit  in  th'  court-house  yard  yister- 
day,  an'  when  he  come  to  he  passed 
his  hat  'mongst  th'  crowd  thet  stood 
watchin'  him.  It's  all  right  t'  hev  a 
wife  thet's  a  good  manager,  but  it 
goes  purty  hard  t'  hev  t'  wear  th' 
same  overcoat  seven  winters. 

Constable  Newt  Plum  got  off  one 
t'day  in  his  perculiar  quiet  style  o' 
pitchin'  thet  hed  more  truth  'n  poe- 
tree  in  it.  He  said  thet  when  times 
git  so  blamed  good  in  this  country 
thet  a  feller  can't  put  a  new  roof  on 
his  kitchen  it's  time  fer  a  panic.  I 
wonder  if  Christmus  se-gars  make  so 
many  folks  swear  off  smokin'  on 
New  Year's  day? 

Tilford  Moots  says  you  kin  alius 
tell  when  one  o'  them  campaign 
specials  gits  down  near  Evansville, 
fer  some  feller  with  a  broad-rimmed 
hat  an'  a  bottle  o'  whisky  gits  on  th' 
train.  Most  o'  th'  Indianny  hut-tels 
hev  two  rates — two  dollars  a  day  er 
three  dollars  a  week. 


54 


ABE  MARTIN 

While  Pinky  Kerr  wuz  watchin' 
th'  circus  perade  up  et  Indynoplus, 
Monday,  some  one  hooked  his  watch 
an*  run  through  th'  crowd.  Pinky 
says  he  called  t'  him,  but  th'  band 
wuz  playin'  an'  th'  feller  didn't  hear 
him.  Ole  Niles  Turner  swears  thet 
he  seen  an  adult  drinkin'  sody  water 
down  et  Bloomington  Saturday. 

Did  you  ever  notice  thet  th'  girl 
thet  says  "don't  you"  instead  o' 
"don't  chew"  says  et  fer  eat?  Most 
o'  th'  articles  you  read  in  th'  news- 
papers signed  by  "constant  reader" 
sound  like  th'  writer  didn't  know 
enough  t'  read. 

No  matter  how  blamed  careful  a 
feller  is  o'  his  pussonal  appearance, 
he  can't  keep  egg  off  his  chin.  Some 
fellers  git  credit  fer  bein'  affable  an' 
generous  when  they've  only  been 
drinkin'. 

Too  many  women's  clubs  spoil  th' 
broth.  Tipton  Bud  is  diggin'  a  well. 
Tip  is  fond  o'  water — afterwards. 


55 


ABE  MARTIN 

Some  well-dressed  stranger  was 
in  th'  neighborhood  yisterday  gittin' 
signers  fer  th'  San  Jose  scale.  Th' 
feller  thet  throws  a  good  straw  hat 
away  th'  fust  o'  September  an'  puts 
on  a  stiff  hat  thet  hez  been  worn  fer 
three  years — but  no  matter. 

Tipton  Bud  says  he  spent  seven 
hours  "between  trains"  et  Evansville 
Friday.  O'  course  he  took  a  big 
chance  o'  gittin'  killed  by  th'  cars, 
but  he  didn't  miss  much  by  not  goin' 
up  town.  You  can't  lay  off  Labor 
Day  unless  you're  a  workin'  man. 

Women  must  be  awful  glad  t'  git 
home  an'  git  ther  shoes  off.  You 
dun't  hev  t'  put  "excuse  spellin'  "  on 
your  letters  any  more. 


56 


ABE  MARTIN 

Food  fer  thought  seems  t'  be  th' 
only  cheap  commodity  on  th*  mar- 
ket. Mr.  Alex  Tansey  is  et  work  on 
a  new  bill  t'  be  presented  t'  th'  next 
Legislature  makin'  it  a  misnomer  t' 
attend  a  the-ater  wearin'  goat  furs 
an'  musk. 

Th'  feller  thet  hez  "loved  an'  lost" 
ought  t'  hev  lots  o'  money  saved  up. 
Lem  Crevison  is  travelin'  with  a  cir- 
cus out  in  Missoury,  an'  Niles  Tur- 
ner says  he  hain't  a  blamed  bit  sur- 
prised, ez  Lem  used  t'  jump  over 
ever'  gate  he  come  t'  an'  would  steal 
anything. 

Some  folks  think  thet  th'  only 
time  they  ever  hev  t'  'pologize  is 
when  you  ketch  'em  et  th'  circus. 
It's  gittin'  so  nobuddy  but  printers 
an'  telegraph  operators  chaw  ter- 
backer. 

Th'  lid  is  on  et  th'  pust-offis.  You 
kin  git  stamps,  but  no  licker.  I'd  jist 
ez  leave  eat  a  padlock  ez  one  o'  them 
hand-me-down  doughnuts. 


57 


ABE  MARTIN 

If  a  feller  kin  git  up  on  th*  Sol- 
diers' Monument  et  Indynoplus  an' 
take  a  pair  o'  strong  glasses  an'  see 
Cambridge  City,  what  could  he  see 
with  a  quart?  Elgin  Tyler  hez  been 
monkeyin'  with  correspondence 
schools  fer  two  er  three  years,  an' 
now  when  he  wunts  money  he  jist 
writes  home  fer  it. 

Ike  Soles,  who  hez  been  janitor 
o'  th'  Roundhead  (Ohio)  Gazette- 
Bugle-Herald,  robbed  th'  ofhce 
waste  basket  last  week  an'  started 
another  paper.  A  feller  will  flare  up 
in  a  minute  when  he's  accused  o' 
doin'  somethin'  he  didn't  do  an' 
smile  from  ear  t'  ear  when  praised 
fer  somethin'  he  couldn't  do. 

Between  sharps  an'  flats  it  costs 
like  blazes  t'  live  in  a  city.  Returnin' 
t'  th'  chorus  girl  home  project, 
young  Lafe  Bud,  who  hez  been  up 
et  Indynoplus  fer  weeks  et  a  time 
durin'  th'  winter,  says  th'  under- 
takin'  would  percipitate  th'  question 
o'  a  canteen. 


58 


ABE  MARTIN 

After  thet  new  "flat  iron"  buildin' 
up  et  Indynoplus  gits  full  o'  tailors, 
th*  dudes  ort  t'  git  ther  clothes 
pressed  purty  cheap.  A  druggist  is 
alius  tickled  t'  death  t'  see  th'  feller 
thet  buys  ten  cents'  worth  o'  stamps 
jist  t'  use  th'  'phone. 

Young  Lafe  Bud  went  up  t'  Indy- 
noplus Wednesday  t'  git  a  fall  suit, 
an'  come  home  with  a  red  vest.  He 
says  everything  is  a  blank  after  he 
stepped  int'  th'  store.  When  it  comes 
t'  knowledge,  th'  feller  thet  builds  a 
house  finds  out  things  a  Harvard 
graduate  never  heerd  of. 

Ez  Pash,  th'  blamed  ole  dunce, 
says  he  hez  a  brother  thet's  half  In- 
dian. By  ginger,  whenever  you  see 
a  dude  with  a  double  watch  chain 
you  kin  bet  thet  ther's  a  lookin'  glass 
on  one  end  o'  it. 

It*s  cheaper  t'  move  than  t'  stand 
fer  three-cent  wall  paper.  No  feller 
ever  thinks  thet  any  man  is  good 
enough  fer  his  sister. 


59 


ABE  MARTIN 

While  th'  price  o'  ever'thing  you 
eat  these  days  is  fluctuating  Hke 
Uncle  Ez  Pash's  Adam's  apple,  th' 
ole  reliable  prune  remains  one  price 
t'  all.  I'm  gittin'  purty  well  up  in 
years,  but,  by  ginger,  I  can't  remem- 
ber o'  ever  hearin'  a  good  word  fer 
th'  United  States  Senate. 


60 


ABE  MARTIN 

It  seems  like  a  person  is  disquali- 
fied fer  all  future  usefulness  after 
they  once  make  a  hit  on  th'  amateur 
stage.  Mr.  Alex  Tansey,  our  school 
teacher,  says  thet  a  pipe  should 
never  be  brought  int'  th'  house  after 
it  hez  once  been  smoked. 

Th'  bad  thing  'bout  Roosyfel's 
perposed  uniform  devorce  law  is  thet 
it  would  be  hard  on  folks  thet  wunt 
devorces  an'  hain't  able  t'  buy  uni- 
forms. Professor  Alex  Tansey  hez 
arranged  his  trip  t'  Niaggary  Falls 
so  he'll  go  through  Greensburg  in  th' 
daytime.  He  dun't  want  t'  miss  any- 
thing. 

I  read  wher  th'  LeClair  Twin  Sis- 
ters in  "Little  Goldie"  packed  th' 
Grand  Army  Hall  et  Roundhead, 
Ohio,  fer  two  nights  this  week,  I 
wish  something  good  would  come 
here.  I'll  bet  them  ther'  ole  three- 
legged  delivery  wagon  bosses  up  et 
Indynoplus  wishes  thet  men  did  all 
th'  shoppin'.  Jist  think  o'  gallopin' 
three  miles  with  a  bunch  o'  parsley. 

63 


ABE  MARTIN 

Pinky  Kerr  is  writin'  some  calli- 
ope music,  an'  th'  notes  er  ez  big  ez 
walnuts.  Th'  blessings  o'  this  life  er 
purty  evenly  divided.  In  th'  winter 
th'  rich  folks  git  t'  go  t'  all  th'  the- 
aters, an'  in  th'  summer  th'  poor 
folks  git  t'  see  all  th'  circus  perades. 

Tilford  Moots  hits  th'  nail  purty 
fairly  on  th'  head  when  he  says  thet 
th'  Democratic  party  hed  better  cut 
out  its  educational  features  an'  git 
down  t'  business.  A  "boy"  pianist 
never  puts  on  long  pants  till  he's 
forty  years  old. 

Th'  trouble  with  chewin'  terback- 
er  is  thet  you've  got  t'  keep  your 
mouth  shut  lots  o'  times  under  exas- 
peratin'  circumstances.  O'  all  th'  un- 
bearable nuisances  th'  ignoramus 
thet  hez  traveled  is  th'  wust. 

A  feller  kin  fail  at  ever'thing  else 
an'  still  be  a  good  pool  player.  Seems 
like  th'  feller  thet  wins  two  er  three 
dollars  playin'  cards  never  wunts  t* 
work  fer  a  salary  ag'in. 

64 


ABE  MARTIN 

A  blamed  fool  dentist  '11  fill  your 
mouth  full  o'  rubber  an'  strings  an' 
things  an'  then  perceed  t'  ask  you 
a  thousan'  questions.  Elsie  Plank 
asked  young  Lafe  Bud  if  he  an'  his 
wife  kept  a  hired  girl  an*  Lafe  said, 
"No,  you  can't  keep  'em." 

Th'  katydids  will  soon  be  gone, 
but  th'  Indianny  Legislature  will 
meet  before  a  great  while.  Some 
fellers  er  so  close  thet  they  stay  on 
a  street  car  t'  th'  end  o'  th'  line,  no 
matter  where  they  wunt  t'  go. 

Th'  country  boy  thet  plows  all  day 
hez  got  th'  feller  thet  dun't  know 
what  t'  do  with  himself  beat  a  mile. 
Th'  fust  thing  thet  a  fool  does  when 
he  gits  in  a  railroad  car  is  t'  open  a 
window. 

You  can't  fool  all  th'  people  all  th' 
time,  but  you  kin  fool  enough  o' 
them  all  th'  time  t'  huld  your  head 
up  in  society.  What  hez  become  o' 
th'  ole  feller  thet  used  t'  light  his 
pipe  with  a  coal  o'  fire? 

65 


ABE 


MARTIN 


Did  you  ever  go  t'  th'  the-ater 
with  th'  feller  that  jabs  you  in  th' 
ribs  every  time  th'  comedian  says 
somethin'  funny?  Young  Lafe  Bud 
is  travelin'  fer  a  washin'  machine,  an' 
makes  all  th'  tall  grass  towns  an' 
carries  a  sickle. 


It  looks  now  like  Hiram  Meadows 
would  git  th'  pust-offis.  He's  alius 
been  purty  prominent — constable 
durin'  th'  week  o'  th'  fair  last  fall,  an' 
a  pall-bearer  a  year  er  so  ago.  Even 
an  English  sparrow  knows  enough  t' 
build  a  home  before  he  gits  married. 


ABE  MARTIN 

Th*  store-keepers  hev  got  you 
sized  up.  If  yer  know  jist  what  you 
wunt  you're  a  crank,  an'  if  you  dun't 
know  jist  what  you  wunt  you're  an 
easy  mark.  Seems  like  a  woman 
would  rather  pay  eighty-nine  cents 
fur  somethin'  than  seventy-five. 

Pinky  Kerr  says  thet  young  Lafe 
Bud  is  "on  th'  hummer"  up  et  Indy- 
noplus.  I  dun't  know  whether  thet's 
some  newspaper  er  what  it  is.  No- 
buddy  ever  becomes  so  intelligent 
thet  he  can't  be  scared  by  a  fake 
doctor. 

Newt  Plum  traded  fer  a*  organ 
yisterday.  He  says  thet  his  dorter, 
Pet,  shall  hev  all  th'  advantages  o' 
a  city  gal.  Th'  Uncle  Tom's  troupe 
thet  wuz  in  Rushville  last  week  hez 
"gone  t'  th'  dogs." 

Some  fellers  er  jist  naturally  intel- 
ligent an'  others  hev  long,  flowin' 
whiskers.  You  never  kin  tell  how 
many  folks  go  t'  th'  the-ater  till  you 
try  t*  spring  somethin'  eriginal. 

67 


ABE  MARTIM 

Gettysburg  Johnson  says  he  paid 
$175,000  in  Confederate  money  fer 
a  ham  durin'  th'  Civil  War,  an'  wuz 
glad  t'  git  it  et  thet  price.  Newt 
Plum  told  Ez  Pash  thet  th'  czar  hed 
resigned  an'  Ez  replied:  "I  hope 
RoGsyfel  dun't  appoint  a  mugwump 
in  his  place." 

By  ginger,  one  blamed  good  thing 
'bout  bein'  poor  is  thet  you'll  never 
git  killed  in  a  ortermobile  smash-up. 
Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  took  a  drink 
o'  patent  medicine  yisterday  with 
suicidal  intent. 

Madam  Neuralgi,  a  pammist,  is 
stoppin'  et  th'  Palace  Hut-tel.  Pinky 
Kerr  says  thet  th'  trouble  with  roller 
skatin'  is  thet  th'  moon  never  goes 
behind  a  cloud  an'  th'  girls'  hands 
dun't  git  cold. 

There  goes  ole  Ez  Pash.  By  gin- 
ger, he's  a  old  timer.  He  kin  remem- 
ber when  it  wuz  all  right  t'  be  a 
Dimmycrat.  Th'  best  fire-escape  fer 
a  thc-ater  is  a  bum  show. 


68 


ABE  MARTIN 

Th'  Embryo  Dramatic  Troupe,  o* 
Bedford,  Indianny,  played  "Richard 
th'  Third"  et  Mitchell  last  week,  an' 
killed  Richard  in  th'  fust  act  so  thet 
they  could  git  a  early  train  out  o' 
town.  They  expect  t'  open  th'  new 
grain  elevator  et  Shoals  next  Satur- 
day. Tipton  Bud  missed  his  car  up 
et  Indynoplus  last  Saturday.  He 
thought  it  left  thirty  minutes  before 
th'  hour,  instead  o'  thirty  minutes 
after  th'  hour. 

Poor  ole  hen-pecked  Milt  White- 
hill  died  o'  lard  on  th'  heart  up  et 
Mulberry  Junction  Tuesday.  I  asked 
Al  Johnson  what  his  last  words  wuz, 
an'  he  said,  "He  didn't  hev  none,  his 
wife  wuz  with  him."  Married  men 
work  longer  than  single  men. 

Newt  Plum's  married  dorter  up 
et  Indynoplus  is  savin'  up  t'  get  a 
spring  chicken.  Friday  wuz  Tipton 
Bud's  birthday  annyversity,  an'  his 
wife  gave  him  a  straight-handled 
umbrella  so  he  wouldn't  leave  it 
hangin'  on  some  bar. 

69 


ABE  MARTIN 

Th'  average  young  man  makes  his 
fust  spurt  et  economy  by  smokin' 
stogies  fer  eight  er  ten  days  after  his 
marriage.  This  is  th'  fust  time  I've 
hed  this  plug  hat  on  since  I  thought 
Tilden  wuz  elected. 


70 


n^ 


ABE  MARTIN 

Pinky  Kerr  kin  hardly  talk  'bove 
a  whisper  t'day.  He  says  he  wuz 
out  with  some  pollerticians  yister- 
day  an'  hurt  his  voice  sayin'  "gimme 
th'  same."  A  feller  kin  be  a  knocker 
an'  still  not  "keer  a  rap"  'bout 
things. 

"Shirk"  Johnson  sez  his  family  is 
all  well  an'  happy  'cept  Myrtle,  an' 
she's  in  Urbana,  Ohio.  Who  in  th' 
thunder  ever  heerd  o'  any  other  kind 
o'  a  girl  but  a  strikin'ly  beautiful  one 
committin'  sueycide? 

Ther'  seems  t'  be  a  blamed  sight 
o'  "Conn"  mixed  up  in  these  travel- 
in'  bands.  In  lookin'  over  th'  de- 
vorce  docket  up  et  Indynoplus  I 
noticed  a  number  o'  "flat  failures." 

Young  Lafe  Bud  says  'bout  th' 
only  difference  he  sees  in  Indianny 
hut-tels  is  in  th'  color  o'  th'  ice- 
cream. I'll  be  gosh-dinged  if  it 
wouldn't  look  funny  t'  see  some 
feller  o'  ordinary  means  runnin'  fer 
state  treasurer. 


73 


ABE 


MARTIN 


Doc  Osier,  o'  Hopkins'  University, 
kicked  up  a  hornets'  nest  among  th' 
"old  scouts"  when  he  said  a  feller 
ort  ter  be  chloroformed  et  th'  age  o' 
forty.  Ther  wuz  a  circus  in  Laff'yet 
'tother  day,  an'  so  blamed  many  per- 
lice  an'  marshals  went  in  on  ther 
badges  thet  th'  manager  wuz  jist 
'bout  t'  put  in  more  seats  when  th' 
perlice  department  run  out  o'  tin. 

Pinky  Kerr  says  thet  th'  reason  he 
dun't  git  married  is  becuz  he  dun't 
want  t'  be  worried  t'  death  by  life 
insurance  agents.  Some  folks  think 
thet  they're  blase  jist  ez  soon  ez  they 
see  Niaggary  Falls. 


•— •'^''IW^J    V 


74 


ABE  MARTIN 

I  reckon  thet  blamed  anti-rebate 
bill  is  mighty  unpopular  with  th' 
fishermen.  Ever'  time  a  feller  speaks 
o'  his  salary  he  adds  five  er  ten  t'  it. 

Speakin'  o'  th'  weather,  ole  Ez 
Pash  says  thet  ther'  is  a  ole  sayin' 
thet  if  a  village  sport  stands  out 
in  front  o'  a  "fifteen-ball  pool"  room 
durin'  February  he'll  set  by  a  fire  in 
March.  Tilford  Moots  hez  got  th' 
hippo.  He  thinks  he  can't  work. 

Miss  Pearline  Smith  wuz  voted  th' 
queen  o'  th'  carnival  at  Roundhead, 
Ohio,  an'  her  picture  wuz  in  one  o' 
th'  Sunday  papers.  If  her  nose  keeps 
on  a-growin'  it  will  hit  her  on  th' 
back.  Life's  t'  short  t'  monkey  with 
uncut  magazines. 

From  all  I  kin  understand,  'bout 
th'  hardest  thing  t'  do  next  t'  stand- 
in'  on  your  ear  is  t'  publish  a  Dim- 
mycratic  paper  in  a  Republican 
town.  Speakin'  o'  th'  "beef  trust," 
jist  think  o'  th'  trust  you  place  in  th' 
feller  thet  sells  you  "real"  calf's  liver. 


75 


ABE  MARTIN 

Th'  most  familiar  o'  all  th*  ole 
masters  is  Simon  Legree.  Th'  fre- 
quent changes  in  Roosyfel's  official 
family  must  make  th'  cabinet  pho- 
tergraf  business  good  down  et 
Warshington,  D.  C. 

When  a  young  feller  can't  think  o' 
nothin'  but  ham  an'  eggs  when  he 
goes  t'  a  resturint  it's  time  he  wuz 
gittin'  married.  I  wonder  who'll  be 
th'  next  lucky  private  banker  t'  git 
off  with  a  few  months. 

Young  Lafe  Bud  is  jist  like  a  rat- 
tlesnake. He  wears  rubber  heels  an' 
th'  only  warnin'  you  git  o'  his  bein' 
around  is  th'  rattle  o'  his  celluloid 
cuffs.  Th'  feller  thet  drinks  et  home 
hain't  foolin'  no  one  but  hisself. 

I  meet  old-time  Dimmycrats  ever' 
once  in  a  while,  but  I'll  be  blamed 
if  I  ever  meet  any  new  ones.  Aaron 
Hale's  big  lazy  hunk  o'  a  boy  is  t* 
proud  an'  stuck  up  t'  stay  on  th* 
farm,  so  they've  sent  him  t'  agger- 
cultural  college. 

76 


ABE         MAR'flN 

I  reckon  they'll  adulterate  cotton- 
seed oil  next.  Mr.  Alex  Tansey  is  a 
bright  feller.  He  understands  a  life 
insurance  policy. 

Pinky  Kerr  wuz  down  t'  Vin- 
cennes  yisterday  t'  hear  Bryan,  an' 
he  says  he  looks  fine.  Well,  what's 
t'  prevent?  When  a  feller  gits  too 
fat  t'  eat  in  a  dinin'  car  he  ort  t* 
walk. 

Th'  principal  trouble  'bout  marry- 
in*  a  girl  with  money  is  thet  her 
father  is  liable  t'  worry  hisself  t' 
death  wonderin'  how  you  er  goin'  t' 
spend  it.  A  bird  on  th'  hat  is  worth 
ten  in  th'  pocket. 

Ther*  wuz  a  great  discussion  up 
et  th'  pust-offis  this  mornin'  about 
who  wuz  secretary  o'  state  under 
George  Washington.  Ole  Ez  Pash 
said  it  wuz  Tony  Pastor  an'  Newt 
Plum  swore  up  an'  down  it  wuz 
Uncle  Joe  Cannon.  One  good  thing 
about  magazine  pictures  is  thet  they 
kin  be  used  fer  'most  any  story. 


77 


ABE  MARTIN 

After  thet  anti-pass  law  goes  int' 
effect  you'll  alius  find  th'  editor  in. 
Ther' hain't  enough  Dimmycrats  in 
Ohio  t'  move  a  pi-anner. 

When  a  woman  gits  a  dress  made 
th'  tailor  alius  measures  her  husband 
fust.  Ole  Niles  Turner  says  thet  he 
wuz  in  th'  poorhouse  three  years  un- 
der Cleveland.  He  hez  come  out  flat-j 
footed  fer  Bryan. 

Newt  Plum's  son-in-law  says  thet 
he  never  saved  a  blamed  cent  until 
after  his  wife  hed  quarreled  with 
ever'  dressmaker  in  town.  My  idea 
o'  an  old-fashioned  Dimmycrat  is 
one  thet  never  goes  no  place  where 
he  can't  wear  a  plaid  sack  suit. 

Ther'  hain't  nothin'  in  Ringling's 
circus  ez  rare  ez  Colonel  Stegg,  o' 
Limesdale.  He's  th'  only  livin'  Dim- 
mycratic  pust-master  in  th'  world 
an'  probably  th'  last.  Constable 
Newt  Plum  sez  thet  folks  thet  live 
in  glass  houses  tlirow  no  bo'quets — 
unless  you  pay  fer  'em. 

78 


ABE  MARTIN 

Tipton  Bud  lost  three  fingers  yis- 
terday.  A  feller  asked  him  t'  hev  a 
drink,  but  his  wife  wuz  with  him. 
It's  purty  hard  t'  "keep  up  t'  th' 
Standard"  these  days. 

After  ever'buddy  else  gits  paid  in 
full  th'  family  doctor  gits  a  dollar 
on  account.  It  now  develops  thet  th' 
West  Liberty  (Ohio)  boy  thet  shot 
his  father  an'  cut  his  mother's  nose 
off  an'  burned  th'  house  hed  been 
readin'  a  Sunday  newspaper. 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut's  uncle  took 
her  over  t'  Morgantown  this  mornin' 
in  his  new  ten-candlepov\^er  ortomo- 
bile  an'  she  bought  one  o'  them  new- 
style  lingerin'  waists.  Laugh  an'  th' 
world  laughs  with  you,  weep  an'  it'll 
buy  your  papers. 

Tipton  Bud's  niece  died  from 
a  successful  operation  yisterday. 
Peck's  Bad  Boy  delighted  two  large 
houses  et  Logansport  th'  other  day 
an'  yet  we  say  thet  th'  world  is  git- 
tin'  better. 


79 


ABE  MARTIN 

A  good  deal  o'  anxiety  is  felt  fer 
Alex  Tansey's  safety.  Yisterday 
evenin'  he  started  t'  visit  his  aunt  up 
et  Angola,  an'  up  t'  noon  t'day  not 
one  single  souvenir  pustal  card  hez 
been  received  from  him.  By  ginger, 
yer  never  see  no  wax  flowers  with  a 
glass  globe  over  'em  settin'  on  th' 
"what-not"  like  yer  used  t'  years 
ago. 


80 


ABE  MARTIN 

Alonzo  Moon,  who  hez  been  read- 
in'  law  in  'Squire  Smoot's  office  at 
Shoals,  is  goin'  t'  practise  economy 
et  Seymour  this  winter.  By  ginger, 
they've  got  twins  over  et  Hale  Tur- 
ner's house,  an'  Hale  is  layin'  off  et 
th'  saw-mill,  an'  doin'  a  day  an'  night 
shift  et  hum. 

Some  fellers  er  pokey  an*  some 
er  on  th'  dot,  but  we  rarely  find  one 
thet  is  pokey  dot.  It's  purty  hard 
t'  save  anything  these  days  openly 
an'  above  "board." 

With  peaches  sellin'  et  th'  prices 
they  are  a  woman  must  hev  a  lot  t' 
put  up  with.  All  is  not  gold  thet 
glitters  an'  some  red  noses  er  caused 
by  indigestion. 

Ther'  er  still  two  or  three  hut-tels 
in  Indianny  thet  put  toothpicks  on 
th'  dinner-table.  Arson  Smith  is 
runnin'  th'  traction  engine  fer  Til- 
ford  Moots  durin'  th'  threshin'  sea- 
son. He  carries  a  dollar  watch  an* 
knows  all  'bout  machinery. 

83 


ABE  MARTIN 

Waldo  Blayney  says  ther's  many 
/a  feller  owns  a  steamer  trunk  thet 
never  seen  th'  Wabash.  Th'  blame 
fool  sheriff  et  Bloomcenter,  Ohio, 
let  all  th'  prisners  out  o'  jail  t'  see  a 
circus  last  Monday  an'  told  'em  if 
they  wasn't  back  by  ten  o'clock 
they'd  hev  t'  sleep  on  th'  jail  steps. 

Newt  Plum's  married  dorter  up 
et  Indynoplus,  thet  bit  her  tongue 
off  tryin'  t'  climb  in  one  o'  them 
new  summer  cars,  is  gittin'  along 
fine,  an'  Thursday  she  wuz  able  t' 
walk  down-town  an'  exchange  a  can- 
teloupe.  Ferdinand,  Dubois  County, 
Indianny,  is  a  picturesque  place,  th' 
inhabitants  bein'  all  Dimmycrats. 


84 


ABE  MARTIN 

Th'  only  time  a  woman  ever  tells 
her  right  age  is  when  she  fust  starts 
t'  school.  Pinky  Kerr  says  th' 
Watch  on  Rhein  must  'a'  been  Ger- 
man silver. 

Pinky  Kerr  says  thet  people  who 
live  in  glass  houses  should  stone  no 
cherries.  Th'  feller  with  th'  cellu- 
loid collar  an'  his  friend  er  soon 
parted. 

Ole  Ez  Pash's  mem'ry  goes  back 
t'  th'  time  o'  Queen  Anne.  He  says 
he  kin  remember  when  termatoes 
wuz  poison.  I  wuz  over  t'  Stop  5 
yisterday.  It's  quite  a  town  an  hez 
a  trolley  pole  an'  seven  English  spar- 
rows. 

Even  if  th'  feller  thet  gits  talked 
int'  buyin'  some  minin'  stock  should 
lose  everything,  his  dreams  an'  en- 
thusiasm fer  th'  fust  few  weeks  er 
well  worth  th'  cost.  Ther'  hain't  no 
advantage  in  bein'  dressed  up-t'-date 
if  you've  got  t'  keep  on  th'  back 
streets. 


85 


ABE  MARTIN 

Ther's  jist  one  chance  fer  an 
ugly  girl — amiability.  This  is  th' 
week  o'  th'  Johnson  County  fair  et 
Franklin.   Tight  shoes  an'  starch. 

A  drummer  asked  ole  Ez  Pash  if 
he  got  t'  see  th'  St.  Louis  fair  an' 
Ez  says,  "Yes,  I  went  on  Thursday." 
Ther'seems  t'  be  a  few  states  left  in 
th'  Union  where  th'  Dimmycratic 
party  is  not  split  up.  Git  th'  ax. 

Pinky  Kerr  wuz  remarkin'  et  th' 
pust-offis  yisterday  thet  th'  feller 
with  a  red  nose  an'  dyed  mustache 
alius  wears  a  light  hat.  Some  fel- 
lers hustle  along  an'  manage  t'  make 
both  ends  meet  an'  others  wear  em- 
blurmatic  pins  an'  watch  charms. 

Ole  Ez  Pash  says  thet  th*  feller 
thet  kin  make  enough  money  on 
th'  lecture  platform  in  a  few  years 
t'  buy  all  th'  railroads  wouldn't  suit 
him  fer  president.  Miss  Fawn  Lip- 
pincut  hez  th'  emotional  insanity  an' 
Alex  Tansey  is  talkin'  'bout  starrin' 
her  in  "East  Lynne." 

86 


ABE  MARTIN 

I  wonder  if  women  spoil  ortomo- 
biles  jist  like  they  do  horses?  Ta- 
bitha  Plum  run  her  peek-a-boo  waist 
through  th'  pi-an-oley  last  week  an', 
by  ginger,  it  played  a  medley. 

Figures  dun't  lie  but  you  kin 
group  'em  so  they'll  answer  th' 
same  purpose.  The  Civic  Pride  Club 
o'  Carmel,  Indianny,  is  after  th'  citi- 
zens thet  eat  olives  with  nut-crack- 
ers. 

Tilford  Moots  wuz  over  t'  th' 
Henryville  poor  farm  th'  other  day 
t'  see  an  ole  friend  o'  his  thet  used 
t'  publish  a  newspaper  thet  pleased 
ever'buddy.  Poor  ole  Ez  Pash 
walked  all  th*  way  t'  th'  Franklin 
fair  th'  day  o'  th'  "free-fer-all"  pace 
cuz  he  thought  he'd  git  in  fer 
nothin*. 

It's  almost  suicide  fer  a  pug-nosed 
girl  t'  put  spectacles  on.  A  restur- 
int  waiter  alius  lays  your  check  on 
th'  table  upside  down  so  you  won't 
choak  t'  death. 


87 


ABE  MARTIN 

A  cannydate  fer  office  needs  some- 
thin'  else  besides  a  long  memory 
an'  a  box  o'  five-cent  se-gars  these 
days.  Ther  numberin'  th'  houses 
over  et  Seymour  so  poor  people  kin 
find  a  home. 

Some  o'  th'  girls  up  et  Indynoplus 
hev  such  small  waists  thet  they 
must  live  on  spig-gety.  Never  let 
your  children  know  thet  you  were 
young  once  yourself. 

Farmers  go  t'  th*  "hay"  purty 
early.  You  kin  alius  tell  a  feller 
thet's  satisfied  with  hisself  by  th' 
way  he  passes  th'  show  windows. 


88 


ABE  MARTIN 

The  carpenters  an'  joiners  out  t' 
San  Francisco  er  gittin'  along  fine. 
Th'  carpenters  hev  all  th'  work  they 
kin  do  an'  th'  lodges  look  after  th* 
joiners.  Young  Lafe  Bud  tried  t* 
git  on  a  trunk  line  et  Mitchell  yister- 
day  with  a  suit-case  an'  a  brakeman 
put  him  off. 

Did  you  ever  hev  a  feller  thet  hed 
never  been  out  o'  town  tell  you  thet 
you'd  "missed  th'  treat  o'  your  life" 
'cuz  you  stayed  away  from  a  ten-cent 
lecture?  Th'  feller  thet  "kin  quote 
anything"  hezn't  necessarily  got  any 
more  sense  than  a  parrot. 

Seems  like  ever'  feller  thet  makes 
a  success  o'  anything  never  knowed 
nuthin'  when  he  went  t'  school.  I 
reckon  ole  Ez  Pash  will  stick  t'  his 
winter  underwear  ag'in  this  summer. 

What  good  house-painters  those 
ther'  porch-climbers  would  make  if 
they'd  only  settle  down.  Miss  Fawn 
Lippincut  says  thet  th*  time  t'  eat 
onions  is  et  midnight. 

89 


ABE  MARTIN 

Ole  Ez  Pash  is  th'  blamedest  fel- 
ler t'  be  a-blowin'  off  all  th'  time 
'bout  his  army  record.  By  ginger, 
he  played  a  yaller  clarynet  in  th' 
band  et  Johnson's  Island,  Lake  Erie, 
durin'  th'  war  an'  wuz  never  south 
o'  th'  Smith  an'  Wesson  line.  I  seen 
Elwell  Miller  smokin'  a  regular  five- 
cent  se-gar  Saturday  night.  Well,  he 
makes  his  money  easy — plowin'. 


90 


ABE  MARTIN 

I  walked  round  th'  State  House 
up  et  Indynoplus  t'other  day  an'  I 
jist  thought  thet  Guv'nor  Hanly 
must  go  broke  payin'  his  dog  tax. 
A  feller  will  git  talked  int'  buyin'  a 
suit  o'  clothes  made  o'  cotton  an* 
wood  fiber  an'  then  turn  his  nose  up 
et  hypnotism. 

Uncle  Ez  Pash  says  that  ther'  wuz 
quite  a  racket  over  et  Columbus  Sat- 
urday night  'bout  a  game  o'  pool  an' 
thet  when  Mert  Sanders  went  t'  look 
fer  th'  constable,  Pinky  Kerr  wuz 
shot  in  th'  interim.  By  ginger,  I 
dun't  see  how  he  kin  git  well.  Th* 
pust-offis  smells  like  a  wet  hen  on 
rainy  days. 

Tipton  Bud  asked  Ole  Niles  Tur- 
■  ner  if  a  watch  would  run  jist  ez 
well  hangin'  up  ez  it  would  in  your 
pocket,  an'  Ole  Niles  said,  "Thet  de- 
pends on  whether  your  Uncle  winds 
it  er  not."  Th'  trouble  with  this 
Christian  Science  business  is  thet 
you've  got  t'  keep  whistlin'  all  th' 
time. 


93 


ABE  MARTIN 

Onions  keep  off  th'  grip— o'  your 
friends.  Nice  overhead  t'day  but  no 
one's  goin'  thet  way. 

Th*  county  commissioners  er  hev- 
in'  a  conference  with  th'  American 
Painless  Bridge  Company  t'day. 
Miss  Tawney  Apple  an'  Miss  Fawn 
Lippincut  bought  some  "lissly" 
stockin's  Saturday. 

Some  new-married  couple  hez 
moved  next  t'  Tapley  Bray's  home. 
Tap  says  his  wife  is  a  goin'  t'  call 
on  'em  jist  ez  soon  ez  she  sees  'em 
go  out.  Th'  feller  thet  wears  eye- 
glasses kin  booze  around  all  night 
an'  look  like  he'd  wrote  a  history  o' 
th'  world  th'  next  mornin'. 

A  full-front  photergraf  o'  a  feller 
alius  makes  him  look  like  he'd  mur- 
dered a  whole  family  an'  then 
burned  th'  house.  Th'  only  thing  o' 
real  deep-seated  interest  thet  ever 
happens  in  Jonesville  is  when  some 
one  drops  along  an'  covers  th'  livery 
stable  with  circus  bills. 


94 


ABE  MARTIN 

Th'  reason  so  many  people  come 
home  "flat"  is  because  travel  broad- 
ens. Th'  newspapers  hev  been  so 
full  o'  th'  Thaw  murder  case  th' 
past  few  weeks  thet  it'll  be  purty 
hard  t'  git  a  jury — unless  they  find 
it  et  Evansville. 

Tipton  Bud  says  his  idea  o'  a  ideal 
wife  is  one  thet  says  she'd  like  t' 
hev  this  er  thet  but  hates  t'  ask  her 
husband  fer  it.  Th'  Jungle  will  soon 
be  drammertized  an'  on  th'  road 
"packin'  houses." 

Th'  woman  who  spends  her  whole 
life  et  home  an'  raises  a  flock  o'  un- 
grateful children  is  called  a  "home- 
buddy,"  an'  when  she  dies  she  gits 
good  press  notices.  People  who 
flock  t'gether  er  busy  these  days 
layin'  in  ther  winter  supply  o' 
feather  boas. 

After  all,  a  Dimmycrat  with  a 
trade  is  not  so  bad  off  these  days. 
Th'  feller  thet  shaves  hisself  is  a 
close  shaver. 


95 


ABE  MARTIN 

Seems  like  ther's  twice  ez  many 
marriages  nowerdays  when  th* 
newspapers  print  half-tone  pictures 
so  well.  Germans  an'  ostriches  seem 
t'  be  able  t'  digest  anything. 

Tipton  Bud  hez  received  a  pustal 
card  from  his  wife  sayin'  thet  she 
bed  arrived  in  Urbana,  Ohio,  safe 
an'  sane.  Miss  Tawney  Apple,  one 
o'  Alex  Tansey's  scholars  et  school, 
wrote  this,  an'  she's  only  nineteen 
years  old: 

Oh !  Oh !  th*  snow,  th'  snow, 

After  all  o'  this  delayin' 
The  ground  is  covered  with  you  now 

An'  we'll  go  a-sleighin'. 

She  is  finishin'  up  another  batch 
t'  be  called  "When  th'  Spout  is 
Filled  wth  Ice." 


96 


ABE  MARTIN 

A  feller  in  ordinary  circumstances 
died  o'  'pendicitus  et  Shoals  'tother 
day.  The  ole  sayin'  "the  selection  o' 
wall-paper  makes  strange  bed-fel- 
lows" is  put'  nigh  right. 

A  feller  kin  be  a  model  husband 
without  surrenderin'  his  right  t'  se- 
lect his  own  socks.  Th'  mere  men- 
tion o'  Bryan's  name  still  continues 
t'  cause  uproarious  applause  down 
our  way. 

All  I  ever  got  out  o'  pollytics  wuz 
a  package  o'  punkin  seeds  thet 
didn't  come  up.  Uncle  Ez  Pash  says 
he's  got  a  niece  et  Bloom  Center, 
Ohio,  thet's  so  blamed  good-lookin' 
thet  th'  resturints  stay  open  till  mid- 
night. 

Ther'  hain't  no  fun  in  goin'  out 
o'  town  on  a  vacation  trip  if  you've 
got  t'  keep  figurin'  all  th'  time.  Miss 
Fawn  Lippincut  says  thet  when 
she's  invited  t'  a  party  she  alius  gits 
ther'  fust  so  thet  th'  other  guests 
can't  talk  'bout  her. 


97 


ABE  MARTIN 

When  it  comes  t'  a  devorce  ther's 
alius  three  sides  t'  th'  story — th' 
husband's,  his  wife's  an'  her  moth- 
er's. You  kin  alius  bet  thet  th'  fel- 
ler thet  cuts  down  expenses  by  stop- 
pin*  his  newspaper  smokes  an' 
chews. 

Newt  Plum's  oldest  girl  is  with 
a  opery  troupe  an'  plays  a  pheasant. 
She  gits  ten  dollars  a  week,  rides  in 
a  day  coach  an'  hez  changed  her 
name  t'  Fanchon  Gazelle.  Elder 
Berry  an'  wife  hev  gone  to  Wapa- 
koneta,  Ohio,  t'  live  with  ther  son, 
Stephen.  Aunty  Berry  will  be  great- 
ly missed  ez  we  hev  no  newspaper 
here. 

I  guess  from  what  I  hear  thet 
most  o'  th'  school-teachers  git  'bout 
three  months'  vacation  ever'  year  so 
thet  they  kin  earn  some  clothes  t' 
wear  while  they  teach.  Them 
blamed  "silence  an'  fun"  matches 
hev  jist  struck  this  localitee.  They 
smell  like  a  combernation  o'  th'  ole 
sulphur  match  an'  a  hoss  bumin'  up. 

98 


ABE  MARTIN 

Ther's  a  constable  named  Gourd- 
seed  livin'  in  Orange  County  an'  yet 
some  people  say  meller-drammers 
er  overdrawn.  Next  t'  a  rich  country 
editor  th'  most  unusual  thing  in  th' 
world  is  a  German  tramp. 

Ez  Pash  is  the  durndest  meanest 
ole  cuss;  Alex  Tansey  wuz  com- 
plainin'  o'  them  medical  examina- 
tions up  et  th'  State  House  an'  Ez 
says,  "They  ort  t'  make  'em  so  hard 
they'd  be  prohibitive."  It's  cheaper 
to  pay  rent  than  move  unless  you've 
got  rubber  furniture. 

I  dun't  see  where  Alex  Tansey 
gits  his  insperation.  He  dun't  drink. 
When  a  father  says,  "Well,  I  guess 
I'll  make  a  lawyer  out  o'  Jimmy," 
he  probably  means  all  right. 

I  dun't  see  why  hut-tels  an'  res- 
turints  wunt  t'  mix  cement  with  any- 
thing ez  cheap  ez  buckwheat  is. 
Ther'  never  used  t'  be  near  so  many 
women  on  th'  street  before  we  hed 
French  plate  show  windows. 


99 


ABE  MARTIN 

Ashby  Perkins  says  it's  no  use  t* 
try  t'  carry  out  a  color  scheme  in  a 
flat  thet  won't  stand  fer  anything 
better  than  three-cent  wall-paper. 
I  asked  Ez  Pash  who  th'  fust  pio- 
neer around  Nashville  wuz,  an'  he 
says:  "I  dun't  know  who  th'  fust 
pioneer  wuz,  but  Plum's  folks  hed 
th'  fust  organ." 


100 


ABE  MARTIN 

Th'  average  legislator  will  "beat 
th'  trucks"  before  he'll  pay  railroad . 
fare.    Old  ladies  must  have  a  fine 
time — knit. 

Ther's  one  thing  you'll  never  be 
able  t*  git  in  a  city  with  all  its 
blamed  advantages,  an'  thet  is  "a 
good,  ole  country  dinner."  Jist  'bout 
th'  time  they  begun  t'  impale  a  jury 
fer  Al  Thomas  th'  jedge  granted 
him  a  change  o'  menu. 

Pinky  Kerr  says  thet  there  is  fel- 
lers thet  kin  tell  you  all  about  th' 
baseball  games  et  Chicago  thet  dun't 
know  who  Garfield  wuz.  If  I  went 
int'  Roosyfel's  Cabinet  I'd  hev  to* 
hev  a  contract. 

Them  ther'  souvenir  cards  er  great 
things  fer  folks  thet  dun't  know 
how  t'  write  what  they  see.  I  got  a 
letter  from  Rushville  sayin'  thet 
ther  wuz  a  Uncle  Tom's  Cabin 
troupe  up  ther'  last  week  an'  thet  th' 
dogs  were  good,  but  thet  they  hed 
poor  support. 

103 


ABE  MARTIN 

Pinky  Kerr  says  thet  th'  way  t' 
beat  street-cars  is  t'  git  on  th'  hind 
end  o'  one  thet's  crowded  an'  then 
dun't  change  your  expression.  Ewin' 
Grimes  wuz  circulatin'  'mongst  his 
ole  friends  here  yisterday  an'  th' 
clothes  he  got  married  in  look  ez 
good  ez  they  did  nine  years  ago. 

Tilden  Moon  hez  a  niece,  Miss 
Fawn  Lippincut,  thet's  a  comer  in 
th'  literary  world  if  she  jist  keeps 
her  health.  Here's  a  little  thing  she 
wrote  yisterday  in  less  than  a  hour: 

Oh,  th'  purty  little  birds ! 

How  I  love  t'  hear  them  sing, 
Ez  they  flit  from  tree  t'  tree — 
Let  me  count  them,  one,  two,  three ! 
Some  er  red  an'  some  er  blue, 
But  th'  red  er  very  few. 

A  farmer  alius  gits  off  a  street-car 
a  block  too  soon. 

Professor  Clem  Harner  says  a 
"pervericator"  is  a  tailor.  Who  ever 
heard  o'  a  bank  cashier  that  could 
hit  anything  with  a  pistol? 

104 


ABE  MARTIN 

Newt  Plum's  married  dorter  up 
et  Indynoplus  says  she  bought  a 
spring  chicken  et  "catch  weights" 
Monday.  You  never  heerd  much 
complainin'  'bout  eyesight  in  th'  ole 
days  when  a  feller  paid  a  quarter 
fer  a  pair  o'  steel-rimmed  spectacles 
an'  picked  'em  out  himself. 

Alex  Tansey  lost  his  Phi-Delta- 
Phila-ma-delphia  class  pin  some- 
wheres  between  the  school-house  an' 
th'  pust-offis  Monday.  Tipton  Bud's 
boy,  Francis,  is  one  o'  them  peaked- 
headed  chaps  thet's  alius  takin'  ther 
hat  off. 

Ther'  hain't  been  no  quorum 
down  et  th'  grocery  since  they  put 
th'  cheese  in  a  wire  cage.  It's  been  a 
blamed  long  while  a-comin',  but  et 
last  we  hev  a  "Y"  in  Ellyn. 

While  he  may  laugh  best,  there  is 
jist  a  bare  possibility  thet  th'  feller 
who  laughs  last  is  slow  'bout  ketch- 
in'  on.  We  never  hear  nuthin'  'bout 
a  "eight-hour  day"  fer  mother. 

105 


ABE  MARTIN 

It  takes  an  experienced  grocer 
three  er  four  minutes  t'  weigh  a 
pound  o'  somethin',  but  somehow  a 
butcher  seems  t'  hit  th'  right  weight 
th'  fust  time.  It  must  go  purty  hard 
fer  a  feller  thet's  been  drawin' 
"twenty-five  per"  t'  throw  his 
crutches  away. 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  recited 
Gray's  "Anatomy  on  a  Country 
Churchyard"  et  Melodeon  Hall 
Wednesday  evenin'.  Tipton  Bud 
says  you  could  cut  a  street  through 
with  a  drink  o'  thet  "third  rail"  whis- 
ky thet  they  sell  up  et  Martinsville. 

A  feller  never  ort  t'  git  married 
till  he's  absolutely  sure  he  kin  break 
away  from  th'  bunch  et  th'  se-gar 
store.  Nobuddy  is  ever  ready  fer 
company. 


io6 


ABE  MARTIN 

Some  folks  seem  t*  think  thet  jist 
*cuz  a  feller  is  a  "travelin'  man"  he 
knows  it  all.  I  used  t*  know  a  chap 
named  Jimmy  Prince  over  in  Ohio 
thet  hed  been  all  over  th'  world  three 
times  an'  all  I  ever  heerd  him  tell 
wuz  thet  he  couldn't  find  no  plug 
terbaccer  in  London. 

Aunt  Tildy  McGoogle  died  yister- 
day  et  Evansville,  aged  one  hundred 
and  five,  an'  she  hed  smoked  all  her 
life.  By  ginger,  if  she'd  lived  an- 
other year  she'd  a  hed  enough  cou- 
pons t'  git  a  pasteboard  suit-case. 
Waldo  Blayney  "bet  his  life"  on 
Britt,  an'  wuz  in  a  percarious  condi- 
tion Saturday  night.  This  mornin' 
he  wuz  able  t'  worry  down  a  soft 
egg. 

Ez  Pash  says  thet  when  you  hear 
some  smart  alex  blowin*  off  'bout  his 
"ideal  home  life"  you  kin  bet  your 
boots  thet  he  travels  er  belongs  t' 
all  th'  lodges.  Th'  newspapers  thet 
print  "What  t'  git  fer  Christmas"  ort 
t'  print  how  t'  git  it. 

107 


ABE  MARTIN 

When  a  feller  hez  t'  pay  fer  a 
spring  suit  thet  he  ordered  in  De- 
cember he  alius  says  he'll  never  git 
another  one.  Miss  Tawney  Apple 
entertained  a  few  o'  her  young 
friends  last  night  an'  th'  evenin'  wuz 
happily  spent  playin'  "dimple." 
Thet's  a  new  game  where  you  dis- 
card everything  but  th'  queen. 


io8 


ABE  MARTIN 

Th*  feller  thet  says  "free  gratis" 
generally  wears  suspenders  with  his 
belt.  Th'  ole  proverb,  "beggars 
should  not  be  chewers,"  is  almost 
obsolete. 

A  number  o'  good  men  hev  come 
from  Booneville  an'  you  can't  blame 
'em  if  you've  seen  Booneville.  Some 
o'  th'  young  folks  went  over  t' 
Franklin  t'day  t'  see  th'  sights  an' 
git  th'  provincialism  rubbed  off. 

Constable  Newt  Plum  raided  a 
card  club  yisterday  an'  got  a  pair  o' 
green  lisle  hose,  a  hand-painted  plate 
an'  a  shirtwaist  pattern.  A  feller 
thet  buys  three  er  four  fifteen-cent 
drinks  on  his  way  t'  a  ten-cent  din- 
ner generally  sends  money  loose  in 
th'  mails. 

This  is  George  Washington's 
birthday.  Th'  ole  feller  wouldn't  be 
in  it  t'day.  Tryin'  t'  scrape  up  rela- 
tionship with  some  one  thet's  rich  er 
prominent  is  one  o'  th'  fifty-seven 
varieties  o'  showin'  inferiority. 

Ill 


ABE  MARTIN 

By  ginger,  did  you  ever  notice 
how  two  w^omen  with  babies  o'  th' 
same  age  hobnob  t'gither?  It  beats 
all  who  some  people  will  work  fer. 
Tapley  Bray  is  cleanin'  brick  for  a 
home  wrecker. 

"Early  t'  bed  an'  early  t*  rise 
makes  folks  healthy,  wealthy  an* 
wise,"  an'  if  you  dun't  believe  it  jist 
look  et  your  milk-man.  Pinky  Kerr 
hed  a  "knock  down"  t'  Jimmy  Britt 
last  week. 

Did  you  ever  notice  your  butcher 
weigh  his  hand  an'  say  "thirty-eight 
cents"?  Buffalo  Bill  wunts  a  de- 
vorce.  Famous  people  er  'bout  all 
alike,  no  matter  whether  they  got  th' 
fame  breakin'  glass  balls  er  in  polly- 
tics. 

Ther's  lots  o*  worse  things  than 
eatin'  with  your  knife — but  not 
much.  When  a  spring  cannydate 
comes  whinin'  round  you  an'  tells 
you  thet  he  "alius  voted  th'  party 
ticket,"  ask  him  what  else  he  kin  do. 

112 


ABE  MARTIN 

In  these  hifalutin  days  you  never 
see  th'  old  wood-box  covered  with 
wall-paper.  O'  all  th'  women's  clubs 
th'  rollin'-pin  is  th'  wust. 

A  Terry  Hut  policeman  kin  wear 
any  size  helmet.  Th'  man  thet  prac- 
tises on  th'  clarinet  kin  never  git 
any  recognition  in  his  home  town. 

Th*  feelin*  o'  security  thet  comes 
with  th'  cumilation  o'  a  few  thousand 
dollars  must  be  a  wonderful  sensa- 
tion. It's  almost  impossible  t'  git  a 
huld  o'  a  non-onion  se-gar  these 
days. 

Mr.  Alex  Tansey  hez  a  theory  thet 
I'm  rather  inclined  t'  take  a  good 
deal  o'  stock  in.  He  says  thet  th' 
thinnin'  out  o'  th'  great  forests  in  th' 
Northwest  an'  fillin'  th'  country  with 
telephone  an'  interurban  poles  is 
undoubtedly  changin'  th'  course  o' 
th'  gulf  stream.  Some  "peroxide 
blonde"  is  a-gittin'  ready  t'  hev  a 
millinery  openin'  in  a  room  next  t' 
th'  livery  stable. 

"3 


ABE  MARTIN 

I  seen  a  well-dressed  stranger 
chewin'  terbaccer  Sunday,  so  I  guess 
we're  all  purty  much  human  after 
all.  Ez  Pash  says  thet  after  he  gits 
through  readin'  some  o'  th'  stories  in 
th'  Sunday  papers  he's  afeard  t'  go  t' 
bed. 

Tilford  Moots  thinks  some  o'  run- 
nin'  fer  offis  but  he  hates  t'  mortgage 
his  home.  A  couple  o'  strangers  wuz 
here  this  week  talkin'  up  a  cannin' 
factory.  One  wuz  dressed  like  a 
Dimmycrat  an'  th'  'tother  looked 
like  he  wuz  in  ordinary  circum- 
stances too. 


114 


ABE  MARTIN 

Dave  Angel's  dorter,  Angie,  is  al- 
most ugly  enough  t'  make  a  good 
stenographer.  Admiral  Nogi  added 
a  few  more  vessels  t'  Rooshy's  "sub- 
marine navy"  yisterday. 

When  ther's  "no  use  talkin'  "  'bout 
a  thing  a  woman  won't  hev  nothin'  t' 
do  with  it.  Jist  ez  soon  ez  th'  new 
culbert  across  th'  crick  east  of 
Moots'  place  is  done,  Miss  Fawn 
Lippincut  is  a-goin'  t'  give  a  "bridge 
party." 

It's  all  right  t'  be  close-mouthed 
an*  cool-headed  if  you  kin  be  thet 
way  without  lookin'  stupid.  Miss 
Fawn  Lippincut  says  thet  th'  trouble 
with  most  wives  is  thet  when  they're 
not  hungry  they  dun't  think  no  one 
else  is  either. 

Professor  Runyan's  troupe  o*  smil- 
in'  cows  from  Bluffton  will  be  seen 
et  one  o'  th'  Indynoplus  parks  this 
season.  Seems  like  complercations 
er  'bout  ez  successful  ez  operations 
these  days. 

"5 


ABE  MARTIN 

Senitur  Beveridge  hez  sent  us  a 
package  each  o'  salpiglossis,  calliop- 
sis,  gaillardia  an'  aquilegia.  My  wife 
hez  taken  part  o'  one  package  an'  she 
feels  like  a  two-year-old.  Speakin'  o' 
th'  foreign  invasion,  you  kin  hardly 
git  along  th'  resident  streets  o'  In- 
dynoplus  fer  poles. 


ii6 


-'^ 


ABE  MARTIN 

Tipton  Bud's  wife  is  so  dash- 
blamed  stingy  thet  she  peels  per- 
taters  with  a  safety  razor.  If  a 
young  lawyer  kin  jist  evade  his  rent 
an'  stick  t'  a  prune  diet  fer  three  er 
four  years  he  may  git  on  a  payin' 
basis. 

By  ginger,  talk  about  a  huld-up. 
If  you  wunt  t'  go  on  th'  sojers'  mon- 
ument et  Indynoplus  you've  got  t' 
buy  a  round-trip  ticket.  Pinky  Ken- 
is  raisin'  a  set  o'  whiskers  fer  th' 
winter,  an'  his  chin  looks  like  th' 
cylinder  in  a  music-box. 

Th'  feller  thet  worries  along  in  a 
four-room  flat  is  not  always  a  four- 
flusher.  By  ginger,  ther's  a  big  per- 
litical  fight  goin'  on  et  Bloom  Cen- 
ter, Ohio.  All  th'  business  men  er 
tryin'  t'  keep  out  o'  th'  city  council. 

A  feller  may  git  jist  ez  tired  o*  a 
wife  ez  he  does  a  boardin'  house  but 
it  wunt  be  ez  easy  t'  change.  Ole  Ez 
Pash  says,  "In  makin'  apple  butter 
use  only  th'  largest  turnips." 

iig 


ABE  MARTIN 

Muncie  is  a  great  city.  I  wuz 
there  'bout  fifteen  minutes  t'other 
day  an'  I  didn't  git  t'  see  much 
more'n  half  o'  what  there  wuz  t'  be 
seen.  Th'  smoke  must  be  purty  bad 
up  et  Indynoplus.  Th'  papers  is  ad- 
vertisin'  smokin'  jackets. 

Th*  late  Shah  o'  Persia,  like  all 
swell  dressers,  wuz  alius  borrowin' 
money.  It  must  be  purty  hard  t' 
live  down  a  brilliant  father. 

When  a  feller  begins  t*  think 
about  givin'  a  valuable  ring  t'  a  girl 
he  ort  t'  remember  thet  ther's  no 
way  in  th'  world  t'  git  it  back. 
Young  Lafe  Bud  is  jist  crazy  about 
dancin'  an'  hez  lost  three  overcoats 
already  this  winter. 

Th'  fust  thing  a  young  feller  does 
when  he  goes  t'  work  fer  a  newspa- 
per is  t'  ask  what  time  he  goes  t' 
dinner  an*  who  t'  ask  fer  theater 
tickets.  A  Indianny  bank  wuz 
robbed  Wednesday — this  time  by 
outside  parties. 

120 


ABE  MARTIN 

Th'  popularity  o'  a  purty  girl  with 
a  ugly  dispersition  lasts  jist  about  ez 
long  ez  a  new  song.  Th'  "knocker" 
is  bad  enough  but  he's  got  th'  feller 
thet  "walks  in"  on  you  beat  several 
cement  blocks. 

Some  spiritualist  medium  is  here 
tryin'  t'  rent  Melodeon  Hall  £er  Sun- 
day evenin',  but  Constable  Newt 
Plum,  the  janitor,  says  he  hezn't  a 
ghost  o'  a  show.  Ole  Niles  Turner 
says  thet  if  these  blamed  travelin' 
drummers  would  eat  what  ther  used 
t'  an'  not  what  they  wunt  when  ther 
on  th'  road  it  would  be  a  consitable 
cuttin'  down  o'  ther  expense  ac- 
counts, thereby  reducin'  th'  cost  o' 
things  t'  us  consumers. 

Mr.  Alex  Tansey,  our  school- 
teacher, says  he  reckons  a  feller  ort 
t'  be  glad  t'  even  git  a  pair  o'  slip- 
pers this  Christmus  with  th'  price 
o'  sausage  up  where  et  is.  Ole  Pap 
Wilder,  who  hez  been  constable  o' 
Roundhead,  Ohio,  fer  twenty  years, 
resigned  intact  yisterday. 

I2Z 


ABE  MARTIN 

Distant  relatives  er  th'  best  kind. 
With  all  its  blamed  labor-savin' 
qualerfications  th'  corn  shredder 
seems  t'  leave  th'  farmer  short- 
handed. 

Th'  feller  thet  gits  a  shavin*-set  fer 
Christmus  hez  a  hard  time  keepin' 
his  New  Year's  reserlutions.  Miss 
Fawn  Lippincut  says  thet  when  she 
gits  married  she's  goin*  t'  hev  a 
"well-planned  elopement.'* 

Pinky  Kerr  says  he  used  t'  work 
in  a  factory  where  th'  hands  were 
all  Christian  Scientists  an'  it  sound- 
ed like  a  bird-store.  A  green  per- 
simmon broke  up  th'  band  practice 
last  night. 


rv  y 


122 


ABE  MARTIN 

They  still  carry  ther  money  in 
ther  mouths  an'  wear  bell-bottomed 
trousers  in  some  parts  o'  southern 
Indianny.  Society  never  pays  any 
attention  t*  the  shape  o'  a  feller's 
head  till  he  murders  somebuddy. 

When  I  see  a  boy  goin'  t'  school 
with  his  books  in  one  hand  an'  a 
cigaroot  in  th'  other  I  wonder  where 
his  father  is.  What  becomes  o'  all 
th'  people  thet  sell  out  ever'  year 
an'  go  int'  th'  chicken-raisin'  busi- 
ness? 

Speakin'  o*  th'  tortures  o'  th' 
Spanish  Inquisition  did  you  ever  set 
through  a  college  entertainment? 
You  kin  tell  how  a  feller's  mind  runs 
these  days  by  th'  souvenir  pustal 
cards  he  sends  you. 

Th'  average  feller  thet  subscribes 
a  few  dollars  t'  some  worthy  cause 
stays  in  a  ugly  humor  fer  six  weeks 
afterward.  Th'  good  thing  about  th' 
ole-time  paper  collar  wuz  that  folks 
changed  'em  once  in  a  while. 

123 


ABE  MARTIN 

It's  funny  how  people  used  t'  live 
t'  be  thirty  years  ole  in  th'  pioneer 
days  without  Bluffy's  Poor  Malt 
whisky.  Some  feller  wuz  tryin'  t' 
sell  minin'  stock  here  this  week.  He 
wuz  ez  polished  an'  fascinatin'  ez  a 
bigeunist. 


124 


ABE  MARTIN 

Pinky  Kerr  says  you  kin  spend 
ten  er  twelve  dollars  on  a  girl 
Christmus  an'  she'll  send  you  some 
sort  o'  a  rig-a-ma-gig  t'  put  some- 
thin'  in  you  hain't  got.  You  take  th' 
same  chances  on  eggs  et  one  o'  them 
"we-study-t'-please"  groceries  ez 
you  do  anywhere  else. 

It's  been  a  good  many  years  since 
only  people  thet  really  amounted  t' 
somethin'  wore  plug  hats.  Th'  Buf- 
falo Belles  burlesque  troupe  changed 
cars  et  Columbus  yisterday.  Th' 
show  looked  like  it  might  'a'  been  or- 
ganized under  a  lamp-pust  et  Sid- 
ney, Ohio. 

Th'  prohibition  agitation  accumi- 
lated  in  a  big  meetin'  et  Melodeon 
Hall  last  night.  In  addressin'  th' 
crowd  Constable  Newt  Plum  said 
thet  what  our  town  needed  wuz  nine 
er  ten  good  saloons  thet  wouldn't 
sell  t'  anybuddy  thet  drank.  Th' 
trouble  with  doctorin'  with  a  mail- 
order house  is  thet  th'  trains  er 
nearly  alius  late. 

127 


ABE 


MARTIN 


Th'  only  new  thing  about  th'  cir- 
cus up  et  Martinsville  yisterday  wuz 
thet  it  didn'  hev  any  trained  seals. 
It  takes  about  two  good  compli- 
ments t'  ruin  th'  ordinary  feller. 

Th'  reg'lar  army  an'  th'  street-car 
companies  seem  t'  be  gittin'  all  th' 
boys.  If  it  wuzn't  fer  th'  colleges 
ther'  wouldn't  be  a  soul  t'  solicit  in- 
surance an'  drive  delivery  wagons. 
Newt  Plum's  nephew  is  home  ag'in 
after  bein'  abroad  two  years.  He 
says  o'  all  th'  places  he's  saw  Cov- 
ington, Kentucky,  an'  Windsor,  Can- 
ada, made  th'  most  hit  with  him. 


y^^^" 


128 


ABE  MARTIN 

Newt  Plum's  married  dorter  is  so 
afeerd  o'  porch-climbers,  thet  she 
made  her  husband  move  int'  a  one- 
story  cottage.  One  o'  th'  Hale  boys 
died  in  perfect  agony  t'day  an'  ez 
he  didn't  smoke  cigaroots  th'  doc- 
tors didn't  know  what  ailed  him. 

Opportunity  only  knocks  once  an' 
then  we're  generally  in  th'  back  part 
o'  th'  house.  They  keep  about  ever'- 
thing  in  them  big  department  stores 
these  days  but  a  place  t'  sleep  while 
you're  waitin'  t'  git  waited  on. 

It  hain't  alius  th'  doctor  with  th' 
most  practice  thet  drives  th'  most 
horses  t'  death.  Some  fellers  er  born 
lucky  an'  others  live  with  ther  wife's 
folks. 

If  a  young  feller  kin  jist  tide  over 
thet  period  o'  his  life  when  he's  in- 
clined t'  join  a  brass  band,  he  may 
amount  t'  somethin'  after  all.  Christ- 
mus  will  soon  be  here,  but  you 
can't  buy  groceries  with  "peace  an' 
good  will." 

I2g 


ABE  MARTIN 

Our  school-teacher  is  a'  odd-look- 
in'  chap.  He's  got  sideburns  like  one 
o'  them  fellers  thet  go  t'  medical  col- 
lege in  th'  winter  an'  hangs  paper  in 
th'  summer.  Al  Thomas,  who  wuz 
defeated  fer  assessor  after  hevin' 
held  th'  office  fer  eighteen  years,  will 
probably  go  int'  vaudeville. 

Ther'  wuz  quite  a  discussion  about 
hasenpfeffer  down  et  th'  blacksmith 
shop  yisterday.  Pinky  Kerr  said  it 
wuz  some  sort  o'  a  dish  fer  ostriches 
an'  ole  German  musicians,  and  Til- 
ford  Moots  said  it  wuz  nothin'  more 
ner  less  than  denatured  rabbits.  It's 
purty  hard  t'  stop  a  newspaper  your 
wife  likes. 


130 


ABE  MARTIN 

Th'  lid  is  on  in  Terry  Hut  but  Til- 
ford  Moots  says  it  looks  like  a  min- 
now bucket  lid.  I'll  alius  maintain 
thet  you  can't  get  over  three  good 
se-gars  fer  five  cents. 

Miss  So-and-so,  from  Needles, 
Californy,  will  visit  Plum's  folks 
over  Christmus.  I  kin  remember 
when  a  feller  wuz  called  a  jay  if  he 
didn't  wear  a  narrow-rimmed  brown 
derby. 

Ther'  hain't  no  economy  in  buyin' 
stogies,  fer  you  alius  break  two  out 
o'  a  possible  three.  A  Uncle  Tom's 
Cabin  troupe  with  two  Ohio  Rivers 
is  goin'  t'  be  et  Melodeon  Hall  Sat- 
urday night. 

When  a  feller  puts  on  a  woolen 
undershirt  an'  then  fills  up  on  buck- 
wheat cakes  an'  sausage  he's  upt'  th' 
scratch.  Miss  Tawney  Apple's  uncle, 
Hiram  Dodds,  died  et  Bloom  Center, 
Ohio,  yisterday  et  th'  age  o'  one  hun- 
dred and  eight.  He  alius  chewed  an' 
smoked  an'  kept  away  from  lawyers. 

131 


ABE  MARTIN 

I  dun't  wunt  t'  call  Niles  Turner  a 
thief,  but  his  umbreller  hez  "J.  W." 
on  th'  handle.  Next  t'  th'  feller  thet 
plays  pool  all  day  while  his  sister 
clerks  in  a  store  I  think  th'  snip  thet 
shows  his  girl's  letters  is  'bout  th' 
limit. 


132 


ABE  MARTIN 

When  a  boy  er  girl  leaves  ther 
home  in  some  little  town  t'  take  a 
job  in  th'  city  th'  home  paper  alius 
says  thet  they've  "accepted  an  im- 
portant position  in  one  of  th'  largest 
establishments  in  th'  country."  Art 
Henry  wuz  killed  et  th'  saw-mill  this 
mornin'  an'  Constable  Plum  wanted 
t'  break  th'  news  gently  t'  his  mother 
et  Greensburg  so  he  sent  her  a  pus- 
tal  card. 

Ther's  lots  o'  folks  believe  in  Prov- 
idence thet  never  heerd  o'  Rhode 
Island.  When  it  comes  t'  bloomers, 
thet  ther'  Presbyterian  congregation 
over  et  Greencastle  seems  t'  be  "de- 
vided." 

Folks  thet  begin  t'  correspond 
with  ther  friends  an'  relatives  jist  a 
w^eek  er  two  before  Christmus  ort  t' 
be  errested  an'  jugged  fer  usin'  th' 
mails  fer  fraudulent  purposes.  You 
often  meet  editors  thet  used  t'  be 
school-teachers,  but  never  meet 
school-teachers  thet  used  t'  be  ed- 
itors. 

135 


ABE  MARTIN 

Pinky  Kerr  wuz  smokin'  one  o' 
them  blamed  camel-hair  cigaroots 
yisterday  an'  it  smelled  like  a  G- 
string  burnin'  up.  I've  met  all  o'  th' 
Lieber  boys  but  Ach. 

There  wuz  quite  a  crowd  over  et 
th'  pust-offis  Saturday  night,  an' 
ole  Ez  Pash,  jist  fer  fun,  thought 
he'd  find  out  how  th'  sediment  fer 
Bryan  wuz  since  his  New  York 
speech,  so  he  says:  "Boys,  I  see 
Bryan  spoke  in  Missoury  yisterday," 
an'  th'  applause  wuz  so  great  thet  it 
shook  all  th'  letters  out  o'  th'  boxes. 
Th'  reason  these  blamed  autoists 
won't  stop  fer  a  policeman  is  'cuz  it's 
t'  uncertain  about  gittin'  started  up 
ag'in. 


ABE  MARTIN 

Th'  new  pust-offis  et  Richmond 
looks  like  a  stack  o'  white  chips.  Th' 
good  ole  times  hev  gone  by  when 
you  could  give  a'  editor  a  five-cent 
se-gar  an'  git  a  puff  in  his  paper. 

No  matter  how  poor  a  family  is 
you'll  alius  find  a  flashy  yellow  an' 
green  rug  in  th'  parlor  an'  a  couple 
o'  life-sized  crayon  portraits  hangin' 
on  the  wall.  Uncle  Ez  Pash  says  thet 
jist  exactly  two  hundred  years  ago 
t'day  Charles  Dickens  changed  cars 
et  Bellefontaine,  Ohio,  fer  Sandusky. 

Mr.  Alex  Tansey,  our  school- 
teacher, says  thet  th'  indiscriminate 
sale  o'  dress  suits  is  doin'  more  t' 
bring  about  social  equality  than  any- 
thing else.  Th'  pictures  on  some  o' 
th'  souvenir  pustal  cards  er  enough 
t'  demoralize  th'  mail  service. 

Th'  next  Indianny  Legislature  ort 
t'  pass  a  law  ag'in  a  bank  doin'  busi- 
ness within  ten  miles  o'  a  blacksmith 
shop.  It'll  soon  be  time  fer  Christ- 
mus  jewelry  t'  turn  green. 

137 


ABE  MARTIN 

Th'  feller  thet  talks  about  abolish- 
in'  Santy  Claus  would  kick  a  cat  an' 
hates  flowers.  Alex  Tansey,  our 
school-teacher,  wrote  a'  article  called 
"Th'  Arrangement  an'  Display  o' 
Needlework  et  County  Fairs,"  an' 
th'  magazine  he  sent  it  t'  sent  it 
back  an'  now  he's  got  th'  writer's 
cramp. 


138 


ABE  MARTIN 

When  one  o*  them  lone  highway- 
men gits  on  a  train  an'  hulds  up  all 
th'  passengers  single-handed,  where 
er  th'  blamed  drummers  thet  er  alius 
talkin'  so  big? 

Our  new  trimmer  says  thet  when 
her  mother  dyed  ther'  wuzn't  a  gray 
hair  in  her  head.  A  woman  never 
finds  out  her  husband's  true  charac- 
ter till  his  overcoat  sleeve-linin'  be- 
gins t'  wear  out. 

The  antagonism  t*  winter  bathing 
down  our  way  wuz  never  stronger  er 
more  noticeable.  A  woman  school- 
teacher wTiz  discharged  et  New  Je- 
rusalem, Ohio,  fer  bein'  good-look- 
in'.  Thet's  what  she  gits  fer  leavin' 
Indianny. 

If  th'  salaries  o'  railroad  presi- 
dents were  split  up  an'  divided 
'mongst  th'  telegraph  operators  ther' 
wouldn't  be  so  blamed  many  wrecks. 
With  all  our  marvelous  prosperity 
Christmus  would  play  t'  empty  seats 
on  a  return  engagement. 

141 


ABE  MARTIN 

Alex  Tansey  is  alius  hookin'  up 
with  some  new-fangled  notion  an' 
now  he's  cut  out  meat  diet  an'  be- 
come a  regular  veterinarian  an'  lives 
on  hoss  radishes.  A  feller  wears  lots 
o'  things  after  he's  married  thet  he 
never  looked  right  in  before. 

It's  purty  hard  t'  pass  a  blonde 
these  days,  ther's  so  many  counter- 
fits.  A  Indianny  school  teacher's 
salary  hain't  what  it  ort  t'  be  but  he 
should  be  thankful  fer  one  thing,  an' 
thet  is  he's  not  likely  t'  git  th'  wine 
habit. 


142 


ABE  MARTIN 

I  guess  Al  Timmons  is  consitable 
o'  a  feller.  He's  near  on  thirty-nine 
an'  never  failed  in  business  ner  bed 
a  fire.  Speakin'  o'  ole  times  down  et 
th'  pust-offis  last  night,  Ez  Pash 
said  thet  th'  "pin  back"  skirt  wuz 
one  o'  th'  severe  hardships  o'  th'  sev- 
enties. 

Tilford  Moots  wuz  tellin'  Pinky 
Kerr  thet  his  father  went  from  Co- 
shocton, Ohio,  t'  Californy  in  a  cov- 
ered wagon  pulled  by  oxes  in  1849, 
an'  Pinky  said,  "Wuz  he  payin'  an 
election  bet?"  Ole  Ez  Pash  says 
thet  if  it  wuzn't  fer  Christmus  an'  th' 
pension  system  ther'  wouldn'  be  sev- 
enty-five cents  in  circulation  in  this 
country. 

A  feller  wastes  jist  three  hundred 
an'  sixty-five  hours  a  year  buttonin' 
one  o'  them  blamed  double-breasted 
waistcuts.  Th'  ole  county  fair 
grounds  on  a  snowy  winter  day  is  a 
dismal  place  with  no  sign  o'  life  ex- 
cept a  few  rabbit-tracks  leadin'  t'  a 
hole  under  th'  "fine  arts  hall." 

143 


ABE  MARTIN 

Ther's  lots  o'  husbands  chewin'  th' 
rag  these  days  on  account  o'  th'  Jan- 
uary linen  sales.  Mr.  Alex  Tansey 
says  he'd  like  t'  know  how  much 
longer  th'  Indianny  Legislature 
thinks  th'  school-teachers  kin  exist 
on  th'  "Moscow  scale." 


144 


ABE  MARTIN 

Congressman  Lincoln  Dixon  never 
fergits  his  constituents.  After  work- 
in'  day  an'  night  fer  two  years  he 
hez  finally  landed  a  government  po- 
sition fer  Elgin  Tyler  an'  yisterday 
Elgin  bought  a  shovel  an'  started  fer 
his  new  field  o'  labor  on  th'  Panama 
Canal.  Klaw  an'Erlanger  kin  thank 
ther  "stars"  fer  what  they  er  t'day. 

Mr.  Alex  Tansey,  our  school- 
teacher, will  deliver  his  new  lecture 
entitled,  "Ingratitude,  Education  an' 
Topics  o'  th'  Day"  et  Bristle  Ridge 
t'morrow  night  an'  already  th'  ad- 
vance sale  o'  seats  is  big  enough  t' 
hev  a  planner  moved  up  int'  th'  hall. 
Ther'  doesn't  seem  t'  be  no  effort 
made  t'  curb  th'  sale  o'  plug  hats  t' 
irresponsible  an'  commonplace  peo- 
ple. 

Young  Lafe  Bud  went  out  huntin* 
with  four  other  fellers  Saturday  an' 
succeeded  in  shootin'  three  o'  them 
when  he  wuz  overtaken  by  darkness. 
I  guess  people  er  gittin'  ther  snoots 
purty  full  o'  prosperity. 

147 


ABE  MARTIN 

I'd  judge  from  th'  number  o'  beer 
bottles  on  th'  window-sills  up  et  In- 
dynoplus  thet  th'  town  wuz  overrun 
with  "second  story  workers."  Once 
a  policeman  alius  a  policeman. 

Milt  Whitehill's  widder  an'  dorter 
expect  t'  run  through  with  th'  farm 
by  spring  an'  then  go  an'  make  ther 
home  with  ther  cousin  who  works  in 
a  brickyard  up  et  Kokomo.  Th'  pure 
food  label  won't  keep  you  from  git- 
tin'  th'  can. 

No  matter  how  th'  land  lays  er 
how  thrifty  er  lazy  a  farmer  is,  he 
alius  seems  t'  be  able  t'  raise  a  nice 
crop  o'  tangled  whiskers.  It's  purty 
hard  t'  keep  track  o'  a  feller  thet  al- 
ternates between  three  different 
kinds  o'  hats. 

Tilford  Moots  took  his  wife  down 
t'  Evansville  Monday  t'  be  operated 
on  fer  liveritis,  an'  t'day  his  niece 
got  a  letter  sayin'  thet  th'  operation 
wuz  entirely  successful  an'  thet  th' 
body  would  be  shipped  home  et 
once. 

148 


ABE  MARTIN 

No  feller  ever  ort  t'  publish  a  book 
unless  he's  got  a  trade  t'  fall  back 
on.  Th'  scoundrel  thet  stole  th' 
mouthpiece  o'  Clem  Harner's  cornet 
fer  a  se-gar  holder  kin  git  th'  rest  o* 
th'  instrument  by  callin'  et  th'  band- 
room  any  Wednesday  night. 

Milt  Whitehill's  widder  hez  been 
carryin'  on  so  since  his  death  thet 
th'  authorities  hed  t'  put  her  in  sad 
irons.  Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says 
thet  some  chaps  seem  t'  fergit  thet 
th'  fust  thing  a  girl  notices  about  a 
feller  is  his  teeth. 


149 


Hi 


THE  LIBRARY 
UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 

Santa  Barbara 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW. 


Series  9482 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


AA    001  040  527    2 


